Dating Someone who was Abused as a Child

Most singles have emotional issues which they need to confront in order to have a normal dating relationship. One could have had quarreling parents, marital breakup or some kind of substance abuse in the past. However one of the most painful among these is an abusive childhood which has the potential to inflict long lasting damage on adult relationships. So if you feel or know that the person you are dating was abused as a child, here is how you can help him/her as well as your relationship.

The single most important indicator of an abusive childhood is perhaps an aversion to sexual intimacy. So if you feel that despite having a satisfying relationship otherwise, your partner - inexplicably - keeps avoiding intimacy with you, it could mean he/she has been hurt in the past. Sexual abuse in childhood especially has a strong chance of being manifest as unwillingness to come close to a loved one. The memory of the physical trauma that he/she went through as a child is often enough to make any thoughts of intimacy abhorrent or scary to the abused person, even as an adult. Under such circumstances, you need to check your amorous advances and wait for your partner to heal him/herself before he/she can be comfortable with you in an intimate setting. Let the other person know that even though you find him/her attractive and are deeply in love, you are willing to wait till the time they feel they can open up to you. When your partner realizes there is no pressure on him/her to engage in intimacy, they will be able to better sort out their feelings with regard to their unhappy past and the present relationship.
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Issues with trust make up another problem area when you are dating someone who has been abused as a child. Apart from the physical pain, what hurts most when abused as a child is the realization that no one, not even a familiar adult, is worthy of trust. This is particularly true because in an overwhelming majority of cases, the perpetrator of the crime is well known to the child, either as a family member, a neighbor or a friendly face. The memory of this abuse of trust makes it difficult for the victim to have faith in others, ever again. So you may find your partner at times suspicious, jealous and highly emotionally insecure. Taken to an extreme, the inability to trust a partner may also result in commitment issues where despite finding him/herself compatible with you, your partner is unable to commit to the relationship. The only way to get over this is to prove yourself worthy of your partner’s trust in a real practical sense. Give him/her enough time to find out that you are truly committed to the relationship. When you feel that your partner wants to talk about their painful past, be sure to listen actively and later offer unconditional support. At the same time however, don’t nag at them to share their past with you – the memories might still hurt and it may take some time before he/she is ready to discuss it.

Yet another far-reaching consequence of childhood abuse is a lack of self-worth or even a latent sense of guilt in the victim. Thus your partner may suffer at times from a lack of self-confidence or even a crippling form of self-doubt. This could be because subconsciously the person feels that he/she was in some way responsible for the abuse in the past, that he/she may have encouraged or invited, so to speak, the heinous act. What you can do to in such a situation is to regularly appreciate their achievements and attributes – no matter how small they seem. So you could praise the Mexican chicken casserole your partner has cooked for you or remark how great he/she looks in blue. However don’t give way to insincerity since dishonest flattery will either make them more suspicious than before or lead to a false sense of security. The essential thing is to keep reminding your partner that he/she is much more than a product of their painful past, that they have incredible potential and active possibilities to live a happy, meaningful life.

As a result of an abusive childhood, your partner may sometimes display behavior that is difficult to support, despite your sincere love and best intentions. It is common for victims of abuse to give in to addictions related to drugs, alcohol, and sex or succumb to depression. If such self-destructive behavior is still in the initial stage, you could communicate your concerns to your partner. Offer him/her support to end this kind of behavior but don’t make excuses on their behalf or indirectly support their pathological behavior. Eventually the partner will have to take charge of his/her own life and put their own demons to rest.

However it is easier said than done to make a depressed, addicted or self-destructive person to see sense. Not all victims of childhood abuse need succumb to such extremes, but if your partner – despite your help - is unable to resolve the feelings of trauma and hurt related to his/her tragic past, it is time to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor will go a long way in helping your partner work his/her way through past suffering and encourage him/her to take responsibility for their present lives. Other than that seeing a counselor is necessary for you too since being forced to be the ‘understanding’ or ‘supportive’ partner in the relationship for over a time can take its toll. You might begin to feel that you have always been giving to the relationship and have got little in return. Also the gnawing feeling that you always fall for the ‘wrong’ kind of guy or girl can have disastrous consequences on the relationship. Thus rather than give in to such negative thoughts, it is far better that you and your partner seek out someone who will be able to help you through a complex situation and prepare you for a mutually fulfilling relationship.