The White Man's Guide to Marrying an Indian Woman

Popular narratives of Indian culture are mostly constructed around the body and behavior of Indian women. It is how she behaves, dresses, loves and lives which are upheld as markers of Indian tradition. For long carrying this burden of cultural purity and the practice of arranged marriages prevented Indian women from marrying partners of other races, even when they were settled in other countries. Now with greater levels of education, professional experience and wider exposure to various cultures and people, Indian women are waking up to the possibility of looking for love beyond skin color. For those white men keen to make use of this opportunity, here is a brief guide to marrying an India woman.

Where to meet them

There are various avenues which can help you in meeting Indian women. You can start your search with associations made up of Indians living, working and studying in your country. These were primarily set up with the aim of helping newly arrived members adjust to the ways of a new country besides providing a platform for social and cultural interaction among the Indian who have been in a foreign country for a longer time. There are man Indian Associations in the United States. Most of these like Whittier, California-based Indian American Friendship Council or the Monroeville, PA-based Indian American Federation of Greater Philadelphia are organized on broader lines of Indian-American cultural exchange. Try and attend their parties, meetings, socials and get-togethers and you can meet many young women of Indian origin. Besides these, there are cultural and social associations which provide  networking opportunities among  different linguistic groups of India like Bengalis, Punjabis, Gujaratis, Tamilians or  religious ones like the Hindu Temple Society, the Jain Center or the Sikh Gurudwaras, all of which have branches in various states of the US. While, as a white man, you may not be able to join such associations, ask among your Asian friends and co-workers if they can take you along to the cultural events and celebrations organized by such associations which in turn will throw you in close proximity with many single women of Indian origin in your country.

Associations and events in universities with large Indian population are other great venues for meeting Indian women who may have arrived in your country to study, do research or teach.  In recent years Indian immigration to the United States has been dominated by skilled workers and highly-qualified professionals who seek to move to the new country in search of more lucrative and a better quality of life. Consequently software engineers, doctors, academicians, finance executives and entrepreneurs from India have their own associations, among whom you can find highly skilled, professional Indian women.

Log in

The internet has proved to be a godsend for people who are looking to date partners from specific backgrounds. There is a plethora of dating and matchmaking sites which are full of Indian women seeking a partner from western countries. Reasons vary but they mostly have to do with the notions of high quality of life and personal freedom afforded to women in America and Western Europe. Dating and social networking sites are a particularly effective way of meeting women who are physically located in India. But even if you are keen to meet Indian origin women in your own country, going online may bring you far more results than through mutual friends. However make it a point to practice online dating safety so that you are not duped by unscrupulous people running shady sites on the lines of Russian dating scams.

Play safe

If you have just started got to know a woman from India, be careful to avoid controversial topics of conversation during the first few dates. Usually religion, sexuality and politics are considered taboo sensitive issues in India with good reason too since they inspire attitudes and passions which can quickly get conflicted and extreme. In fact your country may be at odds with many aspects of Indian traditions and when discussing culture or politics, each of you may feel obliged to defend your country even at the risk of a potential relationship. Rather ask your partner about her work or college she is studying. Invite her to tell you about their friends or describe the best vacation that they took. You could also chat about favorite films, actors and writers if you want to stick to something safe and yet interesting. In fact Bollywood or the Mumbai-based Hindi film industry makes for a particularly enjoyable topic of conversation. Avoid asking too many questions about her culture or background on the very first date. This could be a sticky point since it could be a source of pride or consternation for your partner. The best thing for you to do would be to take your cue from him/her. Make a general, positive remark about Indian culture and then see how they responds – if she seems happy and eager to talk about it, you can ask them a few more questions; on the other hand if she seems to clam up, go on to talking about other things. In any case, think carefully before you say anything since cultural and religious differences could be a sensitive issue here.

What dating means

Once you and your Indian girlfriend have got to know each other well, keep in mind that she may already be thinking of marriage. Casual dating as a part of one’s social life is still not understood in India. In a country where large numbers of young people still give in to arranged marriages, dating is mainly equated with looking for prospective life partners and even then this is primarily an urban trend. So if you are going out publicly with a woman, in India at least, there could be an implicit understanding that you both intend to get married. So when dating Indian women, make your notions about dating quite clear in the beginning so that there is no scope for misunderstandings. However such complications would be fewer in your own country since here Indian-origin women would be more cued into what dating implies in personal and social contexts.

Family first

Everyone knows that among Indians, the family is an all-pervading presence and this is particularly true where choices of women are concerned. So if you are seriously thinking of marrying an Indian woman, be prepared for a good deal of involvement from her family. You will not only be talked about, discussed and vetted by your would-be bride’s parents but you may find your finances, personal habits, family and previous relationships all perfectly reasonable topics of grilling by various grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and numerous other relatives. And even if you manage to come through all this with general approval, keep in mind that the involvement of your wife’s family would continue through your marital life. Family members would keep visiting from India and you may find your home being turned into a convenient, free boarding and lodging option. Also if your wife is working in your country, she may be sending substantial amounts of money back to her home country as a way of supporting her family. Here again a distinct difference may be apparent if your Indian wife has been living for long in your own country or another western society. Then her links with her extended family may be more tenuous though her immediate family may still fuss over their married daughter and think nothing of getting involved in your marital matters.

Cultural differences

Cultural attitudes are more a matter of the ways and mores of society in which a person is brought up. Thus the social and cultural values of a woman living in India would be significantly different from a third or second generation Indian American or British Indian. Someone who has just got off from a flight would bring with her cultural and social attitudes like looking down upon janitorial work, suspicion of African-origin people or belief in caste hierarchy which you may be uncomfortable with. On the other hand, Indian-origin women who have been exposed to American values through childhood are more likely to think like you in daily matters of living. One of the areas where you may still differ would be food and diet. Marrying an Indian woman would some time or other involve eating foreign food. Some of these may have smells, textures and flavors that are completely unknown to you and thus you may be reluctant to try them out. Again, your partner may keep off certain foods like pork or beef as part of her cultural or religious ways. So expect some changes in your diet after you are married. The key here is in being open to all kinds of dishes while keeping in mind that your partner too has the same thoughts when exposed to the culinary traditions of your country.

The legal angle

If you are flying down to India to get married to the woman of your dreams, it is best you prepare yourself for at least a month’s holiday for all the legal formalities to be over. In India, civil weddings are governed by the provisions of The Special Marriage Act (1954). There’s a 30 day residency requirement, which means that either the bride or the groom has to be living in India for at least 30 days prior to applying to the local registry office to get married. Foreigners can get a certificate from the local police station for residency proof. The process starts with you submitting your intention to get married to the registry office, along with the residence certificate, certified copies of passports and birth certificates, and two passport sized photographs each. Apart from this you will have to meet certain eligibility requirements a single status affidavit if you have never been married. If you’re divorced, you’ll need to produce the Decree Absolute, or if you’re widowed, a copy of the death certificate. If no objections to the marriage are presented within the 30 day waiting period, a civil ceremony at the registry office can then take place. Three witnesses are required, who have to provide passport sized photographs, as well as identification and proof of address. The marriage certificate is usually issued a couple of weeks after the wedding. However if you are marrying your Indian partner in a foreign country, the marriage will probably carried out under the Foreign Marriage Act of 1969 of the Indian Penal Code or according to laws of your own country. In each case, it is best if you seek detailed guidance from a legal professional since various aspects of the marriage process can impact immigration, visa, change of marital status and so on.

You each stand to gain

White men marrying Indian women appear to hold advantages for each side. Primary among them seems to be the far more equitable sexual relationship that marriage to a White guy offers to an Indian woman than a similar relationship with a man of her own ethnicity. Traditional Asian cultures are known for overt or covert restrictions on women as well as inequitable gender roles; having been brought up in such a household, Indian women are only too painfully familiar with the expectations that Indian men have from a wife of their own ethnic background. When faced with the prospect of a relationship which offers greater breathing space and more rights than one which comes with traditional expectations, many Indian women, like those from any other ethnicity, would prefer to choose the former.

For white men too, Indian women offer a respite from the tribe of women in their own country who seem to have made a career out of fat divorce payouts. Long years of cultural conditioning have made Indian women more family-oriented; to them cooking and child rearing comes easy, mainly because they have seen their mothers and grandmothers do it and usually they will try and do their best to save a marriage before walking out.

India is a very diverse country. Divorce rates in major cities of India too have shot up over the last decade following economic prosperity. Urban Indian culture is quite different from small town Indian culture and rural India. So, although some generalizations can be made and certain cultural and social traits are common, every Indian woman you will come across will be a blend of various influences and the value system followed may depend on her socio-economic status. When two people from these two parts of the world bring the best of their cultures to a marriage, it can truly turn out to be a match made in heaven.