Dating Someone Who is a Racist

Life values are among the most important things that determines compatibility between two people. If you are dating someone who does not feel the same way as you with regard to people of different races, it can pose a serious site of difference and eventually conflict.

What constitutes racism?

At its simplest Racism means that a person thinks lowly of a certain race, or consider his/her own race superior to others. While such an understanding seems pretty uncomplicated, when it comes to situations on the ground, especially in relation to love and dating, many different shades to the issue begin to appear. For instance if a person has no problem with inter-racial dating with regard to others, but would not date a person of a different race him/herself, does it constitute racism. On one hand discounting a person only on the basis of his/her skin color surely smacks of racism. At the same time though, each person has a right to choose the kind of partner he/she wants. Even if a person disapproves of inter racial dating in others, it does not necessarily mean he/she thinks other races are inferior but merely different which is probably why he/she thinks people of different races shouldn’t mix. Above all, others have no say in how an individual chooses to live his/her life as long as he or she is not affecting others in a negative way.

Your own values

If you too have a sense of racial superiority like your partner or you both believe that racial differences are so important as to preclude any chances of happy intermingling,  theoretically there should be no problem in you both dating each other. However keep in mind that racist behavior is outlawed and you or your partner can be in serious legal trouble if you carry your racist attitude outside your private lives to your social or professional sphere. Again you may not be a racist yourself, but if you are working or training in professions like education, counseling, healthcare, religion where equal treatment of all people across race and religion is important, ask yourself if you can ethically be with someone who thinks and acts in a racist manner.

Above all keep in mind that racist attitudes usually do not exist in isolation – they can easily segue into other forms of discrimination like those based on ethnicity, class, caste, gender, and sexuality. So even if you think nothing of your partner’s racist attitudes now, consider how far will you go to put up with his/her narrow mindedness.

Sign to watch out for

If you suspect you are dating a racist and this is not something you can accept in a partner, you need to watch out for signs of discriminatory behavior or expressions. If you and your partner belong to the same race, such signs would range from his/her behavior with people of other races, especially with those involved in the service industry to off-hand remarks about how people of a certain race typically act, think, speak and live. The latter most often would be discussed in negative contexts like lack of jobs, tottering economy, rising crime or dirty neighborhoods. Sometimes though silence can turn out to be an equally important indicator of racist attitudes. If you are with a partner and you both notice or hear an unambiguously racist act or comment from someone around but your partner says nothing, watch out. If your partner doesn't give you a clear, direct opinion on an important issue as this, he/she could be a closet racist and may be hiding their true feelings. So try and be attentive not only to what that person is saying, but also to what they're not saying. Sometimes silence in a situation, can say more about a person, than a mouthful of words.

When dating someone from another race

Racist attitudes are not only expressed as discriminatory comments on acts and looks of people of another race but can also be expressed in generalizations which are not only negative but essentially untrue. This is something that you need to watch out for if you are involved in inter-racial dating. For instance your partner may ask you offensive questions about what he/she perceives your culture to be, probably even defending their profoundly ignorant question by saying, “I just want to learn more about your people honey!” Worse still your partner may  ask you on the first date if girls or guys of your ethnicity  are as sexually aggressive/ inert/’huge’/ skilled as people say they are. Even when not so explicit, your partner may reveal hints of racial stereotyping during conversations such as wanting to know why your family acts like “that” or saying they noticed you because you look “exotic. Again, your date may come up with something like, “You are so different from the rest of your race, I really like you”, or, they put down other races in front of you, as though it is alright as long as they are not belittling your race. Then again if you are in an ethnic restaurant or even in a cab, he/she may look to you to translate even though you don’t speak the language either.

While not overtly discriminatory, all these words and acts are instances of a deep-set racist mindset which may prove to be no less offensive and eventually difficult to cope with in the long run. So if it is early days yet, it may be best to avoid dating such a partner if you belong to a different race; having said that people can always change. If you are able to put across your concerns to your date, and if he/she truly loves you, there is no reason why he/she cannot learn to be more sensitive to the issue of race.