When your Husband has a Homosexual Affair

Finding out that your husband cheated on you is bad enough – but somehow the pain seems to be keener upon discovering that the affair was with a man – in other words, a homosexual affair. Such a discovery is likely to give rise to a jumble of confused thoughts and feelings raging inside you. Here are a few things you can consider, when you find that your husband has a homosexual affair.

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Focus on facts

Before you break down at the thought of your husband having a gay affair, take a step back and look at facts. Has your husband admitted to you that he had a homosexual affair or do you suspect him of being gay and looking for a gay hookup? In case it is the former, there is no room for torturous doubts but in case of the latter, it is better you calm yourself and decide to tackle things. Start by considering if your suspicions are based on factual proof like gay porn on his computer and photos of him and other men in intimate positions or your perceptions like, lack of interest in sex with you, avoidance and spending time away from you. But keep in mind that a few unusual sexual preferences do not necessarily mean that your husband has been having a gay affair. He could be bi-curious or simply hooked to kinky stuff. So in the end, no matter how long your list of reasons why you think your husband has a gay partner, the only foolproof way of knowing the truth is going to the source – him. Choose a time and place when you are both relaxed and express your concerns to him. Ask him outright to talk about his sexual preferences and partners.

It’s not about you

To most women, the discovery of a husband having a gay affair comes as a double whammy – you not only feel deeply betrayed by your spouse’s infidelity but are devastated by the thought that you were actually replaced by a man in your husband’s affections – whether temporary or not. It is common enough for women to feel responsible for a partner’s cheating in some way –  she may keep thinking that “if only I was thinner, taller, sexier or smarter, then maybe my partner wouldn’t have strayed”. However in this case, you further think that “if only I was more of a woman, more of a tigress in bed then maybe he wouldn’t have been tempted into a gay affair”. Thus the first thing to understand after you make the heart-breaking discovery is that you are in no way responsible for your husband's homosexual affair. There is nothing you could do or did to bring this about. In fact this may not have been your husband's call because homosexuality is not a choice.

Though experts are still not unanimous on what makes some men gays and not others, every day there is more evidence that homosexuality lies in the genes and is probably determined at birth. In your case, it is possible that your husband married you because he loved you and hoped that by loving you enough his homosexuality would change but eventually found that he couldn’t suppress who he really was. Or it is likely that he is a bisexual and was attracted to you in the past but now he finds himself attracted more to men. The bottom line is you need to stop feeling guilty or responsible for what happened to you, him and your marriage.

Get yourself tested

As soon as you come to know about your husband’s homosexual affair, get yourself tested for STD and especially HIV. A fact sheet on the CDC website reveals that  gay and bisexual men — referred to in CDC surveillance systems as men who have sex with men or MSM — of all races continue to be the risk group most severely affected by HIV, according to most recent data show that of between 2006 and 2009 1 . Married men who have sex with other men are often in denial about being gay which makes it worse since they are least likely to admit the truth about their sexuality to themselves and practice safe sex. Testing yourself for STD and HIV will allow you to find out the truth about your health and if necessary start treatment at the earliest. And whether or not you agree to stay in the marriage, make sure that you protect yourself in future sexual relationships.

Talk to a therapist

Once you have taken note of your physical health, it is time to heal yourself emotionally. The position of a woman who has discovered her husband having an affair with a man is fraught with intense turmoil which has the potential for lifelong emotional damage. Apart from the very basic fact of infidelity – whether with a man or woman – there the near-horrifying thought that all this time he has been with you, he was really interested in other men. Before all these emotions completely overwhelm you, seek support from a professional like a counselor or a therapist. In fact it would be a good idea for your husband to see one as well since he too needs support. Even though you may be in no mood to consider his position, do realise that he has been living with the secret of a repressed homosexuality for all this so it is likely that he is just as embarrassed, upset and confused as you are. Seeing a counselor will not only help you to cope with the emotional aftermath of your husband’s sexuality but also help you both to decide what to do with your marriage. There are many straight-bisexual married couples who continue to live in companionable togetherness while for most, issues like infidelity, parenting and wider socializing make it necessary to seek separation or divorce. What you and your husband decide will depend on your emotional, financial and social circumstances, both as individuals and a married couple.

Reference:

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - HIV and AIDS among Gay and Bisexual Men