How to Have First Sex after Divorce

While every breakup makes one feel swamped by the pain of dashed hopes, it also brings in its wake, new expectations and possibilities. Once you are have been reverted to the status of a single again, you realize that there is so much yet to discover—about yourself, your body, and even about the sexual act itself. But before you go out there and hook up with the first single that crosses your path, here are a few tips on how to have first sex after a divorce.

Be honest with yourself

Once you have decided to go dating again, consider truthfully what your motives are? If you are looking only for a sexual partner, say so to yourself without feeling guilty or seeking to mask it as something else. It is only too easy to confuse the need to have sex with the need for a relationship, when in reality you may not be prepared for the emotional ups and downs that the latter entails. Mainstream culture still has a tendency to show a primarily sexual involvement through the rose-tinted glasses of a ‘relationship’ in order for it to be meaningful. You need to stay away from such fallacies when looking for sexual intimacy since the last thing you need after wading through the torturous route of divorce is to start emotionally reeling again. Just like you should keep away from the crutch of a ‘relationship’ when you simply want to have sex, likewise it is an equally bad idea to look towards sex as a way of seeking validation from another person. It is only natural for a man or woman to emerge from a divorce with a bruised and battered ego but if you are thinking of having sex so as to make yourself feel desirable or smart again, you could again be setting up yourself for heartache. So if you decide to go ahead and have sex, let it be for the right reasons and not so that you feel guilty or confused in the process.

Plan ahead

Before you go ahead and jumpstart your post-divorce sex life, it would be good to have a plan in mind for how you're doing to handle various situations; in fact you may even share it with a trusted friend who will hold you accountable to your priorities. A crucial aspect of the plan is to decide up front how and when you are prepared to be intimate with your partner.

This is especially important if you are have primary or even joint custody of your kids. For example, if physical intimacy is reserved for weekends when your children are visiting the other parent, be sure to share that intention with your partner ahead of time so that you can avoid miscommunication with one another or possibly hurting each other's feelings. Planning ahead will also help you to take care of practical details like hiring a baby-sitter and deciding on the venue of an intimate night. This would also be a good time to decide on the boundaries of the kind of relationship you are looking at – how casual or serious do you want it to be; are you looking for only sexual involvement with no-strings attached or do you need a degree of companionship too? Also consider what or how much are you going to tell your children about your partners. It is important to take measures for their safety too so that they are not exposed to sexual predators. Thrash out these questions ahead so that in the heat of the moment you do not end up doing something silly which you may regret in the end.

Be prepared for first-time jitters

If you have newly got out of a long marriage, the prospect of sex with someone new may make you feel like a teenager again. Finding yourself in an intimate space with someone other your former spouse will likely feel strange and awkward and can be much more emotional than one might think which is why you shouldn’t push yourself into anything they don’t feel comfortable doing. Even if you are certain that this is what you want, be prepared for some amount of embarrassment and nervousness. Let the venue be at some place where you are comfortable and set aside adequate time for the act so that you don’t feel rushed or under stress. If you feel fit, you can even tell your partner how nervous you are who will most likely admit to being nervous, too. Use gentle humor or play some music to get over the initial awkwardness.

Make your health a priority

Both for your own and your kids’ sake, you need to put your physical well-being above everything else. So ensure that you always carry a latex condom and take other appropriate measures to protect yourself from STDs and unwanted pregnancies before having sex. If testing is important to you, share that preference early in your relationship and take steps to get tested jointly. Don't wait to discuss this issue when already you are heading towards the bedroom - you both deserve to know that you're not putting yourselves at risk by becoming intimate with one another.

Be positive

After a long monogamous marriage, the first sexual encounter with someone new may make you feel like you are indulging in something forbidden, especially if you have kids from your marriage and they are still attached to their estranged parent. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty – remind yourself that you are divorced now and this is not cheating. Instead focus on the here and now – reach out, touch and kiss your partner and immerse yourself in the sensual pleasures. At the same time keep in mind that different people have different sexual preferences and what you were used to with your former spouse can no longer be taken for granted in this relationship. Be observant of your new partner’s likes and dislikes, and communicate your likes and dislikes to him/her. Above all enjoy the new experience and have fun.