How to Have an Active Sex Life After You are Divorced - For Women

No matter how justified your reasons for a divorce, starting life on a new page is never easy. You not only have to deal with the uncertainties and drawbacks of life without a husband, but have to adjust yourself to your new "single" status. After being in a relationship for an extended period of time where you most likely had sex with the same person, it may be difficult to get used to the idea of putting yourself “out there” for sex. Questions about how, when and where to accomplish this are not only likely to plague your mind but if you have children or a demanding job, there are sure to be added challenges. Here is then a brief guide on how to have an active sex life after you are divorced.

Be honest with yourself

Once you have decided to go dating again, consider truthfully what your motives are? It is only too easy to confuse the need to have sex with the need for a relationship, when in reality you may not be prepared for the emotional ups and downs that the latter entails. Mainstream culture still has a tendency to show a primarily sexual involvement through the rose-tinted glasses of a ‘relationship’ in order for it to be meaningful. You need to stay away from such fallacies when looking for intimacy since the last thing you need after wading through the torturous route of divorce is to start emotionally reeling again. Also it is always a bad idea to look for sex as a way of seeking validation from another person. It is only natural for a woman to emerge from a divorce with her self-worth bruised and her self-confidence battered. But if you are feel you need sex so as to make you feel desirable or smart again, you could again be setting up yourself for heartache. So if you decide to go ahead and have sex, let it be for the right reasons and not so that you feel guilty or confused in the process.

Spruce yourself up

Very often the mere process of surviving a divorce takes up so much of your energy and time that you no longer feel attractive about yourself. Feeling desirable is an important requirement to a fulfilling sex life which is why you may need to set apart some time to pamper yourself. Go for a new and attractive personal style, if need be; pay more attention to your wardrobe and appearance. Also make sure that you work out regularly and have a healthy diet. Healthy lifestyle habits will not only lead to a fitter and more irresistible you but will benefit your own health in the long run – lover or no lover.

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Fight stereotypes

Even though divorced women have now become a part of mainstream society in the West unlike in many other places of the world where they are relegated to the margins of society, the sexual needs of divorced women still rouse the hackles of the keepers of moral values in society. Despite increasingly acceptance of divorced women, there is still some stigma attached to them having casual sex. Divorced women looking for a sexual relationship for its own sake are seen as loose and immoral. Things are particularly bad for single moms since pursuing active sex lives can make them across as fallen women and bad mothers – in fact most likely the loudest voice of disapproval belongs to the father of the kids who may go to the extent of threatening to take away child custody on the pretext of setting a bad example to the kids. The reality though is entirely different – most divorced women and single mothers are aware of their responsibility to bring up their kids in a safe and healthy environment while also being aware that their personal needs are equally important. Thus if you are a divorced woman and ready to date again, start by throwing off the cloak of guilt that may shroud your sex life. Your sexual needs as a healthy woman are as legitimate as those of anybody else’s and should not be held hostage to your marital status as a divorcee.

Beware of rebound sex

While your decision to have casual sex should not anybody else’s concern, at the same time though bear in mind that having sex on the rebound is far from satisfactory. At its best, rebound sex offers a distraction. If you are going through a particularly depressing time after a breakup, having a casual fling might help you to take your mind of your ex. Such flings offer merely a temporary solution to the misery of a breakup. It is no better than a band-aid which simply stems the flow of blood but does not take pain away. The morning after, when you wake up with a throbbing head beside a virtual stranger at an unknown place, you are unlikely to feel very fulfilled in love or even pleased at what you have done. Even if your experience had not been an unpleasant one, having sex on the rebound often falls short of the real thing because the weight of expectations it has to bear. If you have just come out of a relationship that involved infidelity or abuse, you probably expect your new partner to be caring, considerate and devoted, in other words a veritable “knight in shining armor” who would rescue you from the pain of a failed relationship and carry you into the land of happily-ever-after. It is plain silly to expect a new partner to be all that you could not find in your ex. More likely you will realize that by having sex on the rebound you have merely exchange your old set of issues for a new one.

Finally even though a rebound affair seems an easy way of getting sex – with no strings attached – in reality it is still quite complicated. Primarily, because the situation involves three people – the person on the rebound, the new partner as well as the shadow of the former lover. No matter how perfect the sex seems to be with the new guy, there is always the awareness that this could’ve been your former spouse had you not parted ways. Worst of all, is the realization that by seeing the new guy as a substitute, you are being inherently unfair to him and his needs.

Make your health a priority

No matter what kind of sexual relationship you wish to form – whether casual or part of a relationship – the main thing is to safeguard your health. So ensure that you always carry a latex condom and take other appropriate measures to protect yourself from STDs and unwanted pregnancies before having sex. If testing is important to you, share that preference early in your relationship and take steps to get tested jointly. Don't wait to discuss this issue when already you are heading towards the bedroom - you both deserve to know that you're not putting yourselves at risk by becoming intimate with one another.

Be prepared for complications

Intimate relationships, no matter how practically you approach them, are apt to get messy. It is quite possible that while you want a mainly sexual relationship, your partner suddenly decides that he wants ‘more.’ At such times use your intuition and your gut to gage if you think he is getting attached and you aren’t. Reiterate the boundaries of your relationship, if need be. And, be ready to exit the relationship to save his feelings and avoid any potential drama. On the other hand, you also need to be prepared for the possibility of rejection or an abrupt end to the relationship. Your ‘friend with benefits’ might suddenly meet someone he wants to date seriously or an intermittent lover may suddenly replace you or lose interest. Thus before you engage on a casual relationship, ensure that you are protected from the emotional impact of such possibilities so that you do not end up feeling lonely and depressed.