When your Children are Angry about your Divorce

A divorce is one of the most traumatic personal experiences anyone can go through – not just for the parents who are breaking the marital bond, but more so for children from the marriage. The kids are compelled to live apart from one of the parents and even siblings may have to live in different families. Thus it is only natural that children experience a range of negative emotions, from grief to anger. If such emotional problems are not addressed, they can quickly go on to destabilize the psyche of the child concerned as well as the day-to-day life of a family. So if you believe that your kids cannot get rid of their anger at your divorce, here are some ways you can cope.

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Understand and empathize

The family is the first and most important emotional support structure for children. When this falls apart, children are bereft emotionally and psychologically. The initial feelings are of extreme loneliness and abandonment soon give way to anger at the injustice of it all – after all the kids did not ask to be born to parents who are unable to resolve their marital issues. It is only natural that they seethe against the unfairness of having to experience the breaking apart of the family and consequently to lose the love, support and company of one parent – at least on a day-to-day basis. The negative consequences of divorce make it even harder to come to terms with the breakup. Apart from tearing the family apart, a divorce often entails financial constraints, a relocation, new school and the compulsion of having to start from scratch – enough to make even the best-mannered child rage in frustration. In fact older children older children may respond by rebellious and defiant behavior with an increased tendency to break rules and test limits within the family as well as the larger society.  So before you take steps to deal with your kids’ anger, try and understand where it is all coming from. Just like you are hurting, they are hurting too and perhaps even more since they are yet to grow up and the world is still a bewildering place for them. The one resource which they could count on – family – is changed. This in itself is enough to make them respond with anger.

Start with yourself

A parent who isn’t able to handle negative emotions in a constructive way is more likely to have kids giving way to anger in the aftermath of a divorce. Again it is only expected that you feel hurt, betrayed and angry at the way things turned out in your marriage – especially if the divorce was the immediate result of your spouse’s actions. However keep in mind that children take their parents as role models for all kinds of behavior and responses. If you have been lashing out in rage and frustration over your divorce, your kids will too when confronted with a situation not to their liking. On the other hand if you can appear calm and collected – even when not really feeling so from within – your kids will too try and behave reasonably when confronted with a difficult situation. For a family going through divorce, such a situation can take many forms starting from a the loss of familiar comforts to pain at not being able to see a parent on a regular basis. Begin with channeling your own grief and anger into constructive action. Never display overwhelming emotion like extreme sorrow or unchecked anger before your children. This does not mean you have to pretend that everything is okay, but keep in mind that kids will first be frightened at your strong display of emotion and then take recourse to similar methods to express the pain and frustration in their own minds. Thus no matter how terrible you feel inside, if you consistently appear in control of your emotions before your kids, they are more likely to feel calm themselves.

Also make it a point never to let your anger at your ex-spouse play a role in your relationship with your children, especially if they feel that either of the parents has been wronged in the divorce. Once you are able to keep the two separate, your kids may pick up the clues and stop feeling angry at any one parent in particular and at their situation in general. You may not like being around your ex but if it means continued participation in your child’s life, put your own discomfort and anger on the back burner.

Communicate effectively

However in an attempt to remain calm, it does not mean that you have to lie about everything being fine or worse shut out your kids so as to save yourself from dealing with their pain. The key to helping your kids cope with their pain and anger is communication. Always be there for your kids when they want to talk, answer their questions briefly but honestly. Try and agree with your ex that you will both be available to talk to the children whenever they need to. At the time of divorce, kids will repeatedly ask why you and mom/dad need to separate – even after you have explained it several times. This is not because they are dumb but only their way of processing the calamitous fact that their family is breaking apart. At such times it is okay for you to share your own feelings of hurt and anger since this can help your kids to feel more comfortable in expressing their feelings of pent-up anger which if bottled up may explode in dangerous behavior. Use other forms of communication like phones and emails if you are not the custodial parent but make sure that your kids know that they can always count on you to talk and be heard.

See that they don’t blame themselves

Children often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce especially if there has been tension in the house that has sometimes come their way. Try to address these feelings as directly and as soon as you can. Tell your kids, repeatedly if need be, that your decision to separate is not their fault or connected to anything that they have done.
Finally if you have done all you could to help your kids cope with the divorce or if their anger is taking on a destructive turn, it is imperative that you take professional help. A counselor is not only trained to identify the sources of negative emotions like anger and guide on how to resolve them but being a third-party, he/she may also provide an unprejudiced, objective outlook required to set the emotional balance straight.