How to Tell your Husband you Want a Divorce

Ending a marriage is always a painful thing to do – no matter who is at fault or how long you have been married. There are years of feelings, hard work and hopes for the future invested in the relationship which may even affect others like kids. However once you have decided that it is best for you both to part ways, here are a few tips on how you can break it to your husband.

Be honest with yourself

Before you speak to your husband about breaking up, take some time out for yourself and think long and hard on the reasons why you do not wish to remain married to him anymore. Consider what made you fall in love with him the first time. Have all those reasons gone completely missing from your partner’s personality or are they being negated by equally unlikable traits? Couples end a relationship for several reasons ranging from infidelity, emotional and physical abuse to incompatibility and boredom. Even if it is something serious like alcoholism or infidelity, consider if you are willing to give the relationship another chance. A lot of situations might seem hopeless at first, but with hard work and professional counseling, many couples have been able to start afresh.

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Take practical considerations into account

If you are thinking on lines of divorce, don’t forget to look into the practical side like finances and living arrangements. Most importantly if there are kids from the relationship, consider what is to happen to them. Are you capable of being a single parent to your kids and how well-placed do you think you will be on issues like alimony and child support. While this is not to imply that you should continue a bad relationship because you have kids, pets or a joint mortgage, consider how to disentangle financial or practical responsibilities that you have shared until now. In fact under certain circumstances like if you are anticipating a messy divorce or one in which you may need to gather some proof beforehand, it may even make sense to speak to a lawyer first.

Avoid vacillations

However, once you have taken the decision to break up, get on with it promptly. There is no sense in dithering about it or putting it off for a ‘suitable time’ which if you are actually unsure of yourself, might never come. People very close to you like might have inkling that you are in the process of taking a decision, but involve others as little as possible unless you have gone through it completely.

What to say

It definitely pays to think through in advance of what you are going to say to your spouse while announcing your wish for a divorce. Begin by saying that he must have realized that this is going to be a different conversation. Gently enumerate the reasons why you think this marriage is not going to work out. However keep them brief since this is not the time for endless discussions and analyses. Repeat the reasons if necessary but don’t allow for too much expansion. Move on to admit that you have had some wonderful times together and acknowledge your partner’s role in your life.

Stay calm

Around this time, it is possible that your husband will burst forth in angry accusations and recriminations. Recognize that it is natural for him to be upset bud don’t get defensive or rush into a mud-slinging match since that is not the purpose of your conversation. No matter how angry or justified you feel, it is your responsibility not to start a row. Accept that nothing you say can possibly make it any easier for your partner to go through all of this. So be kind but at the same time determined to get done with it.

Avoid cataloging faults

What not to say to your husband is equally crucial if you wish to conduct in as mature a manner as possible. Don’t start rattling of the reasons why you don’t like him anymore. Admit that while personally you don’t like certain things about him, others may not have any problem with them and you understand that you are responsible for your own likes and dislikes. Also don’t blame your spouse for all the things that have gone wrong in the relationship. This will only lead to a chain of accusations and counter-accusations or promises of improvement from your husband which you may again find hard to evade. Rather, admit that you both had a role to play in the ending of the relationship and it was probably about differing priorities and fulfillment.

Be prepared for questions

A marriage is not merely about two individuals. Over time a lot of other aspects come into the picture like a home, marital assets and most importantly children. So if you have kids, expect your husband to ask questions about what will happen to them – who they will live with, who will pay for their expenses and so on. If you have thought all about it beforehand, give a simple answer from your side but point out that you are open to his input and wishes. However it is much more likely that you have not been able to think everything through in which case admit as much and mention that you both will require legal help to sort out the details. At this time, your husband can adopt one of several stances, the two extremes being to agree with you on the basics or threaten to cut you off from everything – money, kids, home and so on. Recognize that any immediate stance could actually be a reaction to your announcement of the divorce and it may change in the near future. However this is not the time to answer all his questions about future modalities and mention that you will have to do that in a separate meeting.

No matter who initiates the breakup of a marriage, it is bound to be painful for both partners who have been together so long. However with a little planning and patience, you can make it a less traumatic and even an amicable way of saying goodbye to each other.