When you are Divorcing your Partner Because of your In-laws

In popular culture, marriage is touted as a deeply personal relationship between two individuals. But the reality is that it is more of a union between two families – something which traditional cultures around the world have always understood. However while the support network provided by parents can be tremendously helpful in setting up the newlyweds, the same people can end up ruining a marriage. So if you find yourself divorcing, or at least contemplating divorce, because of your in-laws, here are a few things to consider.

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Have you done all to save your marriage

If you have not yet started the legal process of divorce, maybe you can go over all possible ways to save your marriage from toxic in-laws. It goes without saying that your spouse will never be completely free of the influence of his/her parents. They are the ones who have given birth to them, brought them up, catered to his/her every need and comfort for almost two decades of life. It is not easy to cut away such bonds of love and support just because you have entered your partner’s life. However no sort of manipulation - even interference - no matter with what motive can be good for a marriage. If your partner fails to see that, there are still a few options you can consider. Firstly you need to get out of the victim mode by constantly complaining and gossiping about your in-laws to your partner. Instead see what you can do and what is in your power to improve your situation. Be assertive and draw boundaries showing how far you will tolerate their interference and no more. Refuse to be manipulated by show of tears and tantrums on your partner’s or his/her parent’s part; be respectful but put the needs and priorities of your marriage and kids before all else. Also look for ways to build up your own self-esteem so that you do not have to look for validation from your partner’s parents. Get a job or work hard for a promotion especially if you find that your partner is lavishing financial resources which rightly belong to your family on your in-laws. If possible move to a different city since in some cases putting geographical distance between your in-laws and your marriage can help. Finally seek the help of a marriage counselor who with an objective view will be better able to sort out the tangle of expectations, responsibilities and rights that have messed up your marriage.

However you may have done all to deal with the in-law issue and got no nearer to making your partner put the marriage ahead of everything else. Or perhaps you or your kids are victims of abuse, directly or indirectly perpetrated by your in-laws. Under such circumstances, it is crucial for the sake of your own emotional health as well as that of your kids that you walk out of the marriage. On exactly what grounds you file the divorce petition will depend upon the laws of the state you live in but almost all legal systems allow divorce on grounds of mental, verbal or physical abuse. It is best you hire the services of a divorce lawyer to find out exactly what legal reasons you can use to prove to a court that your marriage has 'irretrievably broken down'.

While the divorce process is on, you will need to arm yourself with calm and patient manner in the face of accusations and manipulation from your estranged in-laws. They will probably make every attempt to show that this was your fault, the result of your inability to put the family before supposedly selfish needs. Avoid being drawn into a confrontation – you can defend yourself against their accusations in court. In the meantime keep evidence of the abuse that you have suffered from your in-laws or documents which proof your partner’s excessive indulgence towards them – like receipts of gifts, money transfers from your partner’s bank account to his/her parents and so on.

Your children and their grandparents

Kids often end up being the most scarred party as a result of a divorce. While each spouse can be expected to move on or at least get busy with responsibilities, children of divorced parents lose much more than a stable home and the immediate company of one of the parents – the company of grandparents too, especially those related to the non-residential parent. And things can get even more torturous when the divorce is a direct outcome of those very grandparents. If this is true in your case too, you will be sorely tempted to cut off all ties with your former in-laws. However as a parent, your primary concern is making sure your child is healthy and happy. Grandparents are an important part of your child's life. You may not like or respect your in-laws, but their bond with your child is real and does deserve to be supported. Unless your in-laws place your child in danger, it is usually a good idea for your child to have contact with them. One way you can do this is to adjust the parenting schedule so that they are able to spend some time with your kids – perhaps your children are with your ex during scheduled events with the grandparents - family get-togethers, parties and so on. However if you find that your ex barely uses his/her own visitation, let alone takes the kids to see their grandparents, you can take measures to develop your own post-divorce relationship with the grandparents and arrange times they can spend with your child.

Allowing them to spend an afternoon or a day with your child every month is not going to significantly cut into your parenting time. Your former in-laws may have treated you unfairly, but if they genuinely care for your kids, it is best not to stand in the way of a grandparent-child relationship. Ultimately you don't punish your ex or the in-laws by standing in the way, instead you end up punishing your own child.