Do you Have to Accept your Partner Divorcing you?

Most of the times when a marriage goes bad, both partners are aware of the down slide. Even then the announcement of a divorce can sometimes take a spouse aback for various reasons – he/she may not feel enough unhappiness to call it quits, he/she may be optimistic of making the marriage work or perhaps believe that this is a decision being thrust upon him/her. Thus if you find your partner divorcing you, do you have to accept it or do you have other alternatives?

Like any complex scenario embedded in differences, a divorce in which one partner is willing to break up and the other unwilling to let the marriage has several angles – legal and emotional. If your husband or wife has started divorce proceedings against you, the court will send you a ‘divorce petition’. This is a legal statement of the reasons why a partner wants a divorce. From here you can respond in one of the two ways – you can agree with these reasons and go on to complete some paperwork which will clear the decks for the divorce proceedings. Alternatively you can disagree with the reasons given on the divorce petition and can take measures to defend your stance.

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Divorces are usually only defended if one spouse either doesn’t want to divorce or they disagree with the reasons for divorce, known as supporting ‘facts’, that a partner has put on the divorce petition.  In case of the latter, the law provides certain options which can help warring spouses bypass the legal and emotional costs of defending a divorce. For example, if you have disagreements about money or property, you can handle these through a separate process known as a 'financial order'. Sometimes also known as an ‘ancillary relief order’, this is a formal arrangement made in court and you don’t need to defend a divorce because of these disagreements. Yet another common ground for defending a divorce could be disagreements about where the children will live and how much time they will spend with each of you. These too can be handled separately and need not entail defending a divorce.

The main disadvantages of defending a divorce in a court of law is that they can take up a lot of time, can be very distressing to all involved and lead to very high legal costs. Thus legal resources usually advise estranged couples to try to reach an agreement instead of defending a divorce petition.

Since most civil legal systems have now adopted no-fault divorce laws in some capacity, you technically cannot fully prevent a divorce. But that doesn't mean that you have to consent to the divorce either. Probably you think your spouse only needs some time to clear his or her head or you want to try out options to save your marriage. Many states have mandatory waiting periods for divorce. These waiting periods may only take effect if the divorce is contested and usually vary from one state to another in the country. If you have religious objections to divorce, you or your partner can apply for legal separation which is akin to a divorce in that you and your estranged spouse will be living separately but different from a divorce in that neither of you will be identified as a single in terms of marital status.

Your legal options are limited for preventing the divorce, though you may have the option to try and reconcile your relationship, and help your marriage repair itself. Talking to your spouse may be the first step to fixing the relationship. If you're happy being married, you have to find out why your spouse isn't.

Yet another option when you don’t wish to accede to a divorce is to have a professional give you advice and try to get your spouse to agree to marital counseling. A marital counselor will likely be able to help you gain valuable insight into what is and is not working in your relationship.

For a spouse who has divorce thrust upon him/her, the emotional experience is one of overwhelming pain and suffering.  If you are in such a position, it is only natural for you to feel betrayed and abandoned. Even worse is the feeling of being given up on which is why you are likely to be angered by how little effort your spouse made to keep the marriage together and the very little warning he/she gave to indicate that the marriage is now coming to an end. In fact you possibly feel that you have been left “holding the bag” while the initiating spouse appears to be free and poised to begin life anew. Very often the source of this resentment lies in the extreme emotional trauma over what the end of the marriage will mean for you and your children. But no matter how intense the pain and bewilderment, refusing to accept the reality of a partner who has started divorce proceedings is simply delaying the inevitable. Marriage is a voluntary relationship, and if your spouse really wants to end it, you might have to ask yourself if you would really want a marriage where he/she is forced to stay with you.

Thus while there are a few legal courses you can take if you do not wish to agree to a divorce being initiated by your spouse, in the end accepting the fact of divorce makes for lesser legal and emotional trauma. What’s more, it is even easier to protect your interests – and those of your kids – by agreeing to a divorce as opposed to refusing to accept it and making yourself appear as part of the problem instead of the solution.