When you Want Marriage Counseling But your Partner Wants a Divorce

Every marriage goes through ups and downs. While many of lean seasons are a normal part of the process of two people living together, sometimes issues cannot be resolved by the couple alone and may require the guidance of a marriage counselor. Sometimes though it can be difficult to make a partner see the point of taking help, especially when he/she is already looking at divorce. If you find yourself in such a situation, here are a few things you can do.

Make another attempt

In the past, you may have tried speaking to your spouse about the need to see a marriage counselor but met with a negative response. And now you have taken it for granted that there is no use in trying again. But if it has been some time, say a month, since you made the initial effort, how about trying again? For all you know, his/her perceptions may have changed in the time being and he/she may more open to a recent suggestion. Even if they haven’t, go ahead with your plans for a discussion if only air out options which need not be as drastic as a divorce. However before you decide to make the attempt, focus on doing something you have not done before – if you have never expressed your feelings previously, decide to do it this time. On the other hand if you find both you and your spouse engaging in the same argument over and over, decide that you will not rehash the issue and try another approach.

TIP: Download the guide to making up with your partner and preventing a divorce

Prepare for a difficult conversation

If you are planning on asking your partner one last time to see a marriage counselor, first of all get a grip on the situation yourself. Focus exactly on the issues that you believe or suspect are behind your partner’s demand for a divorce and see how you can resolve them. For instance if she is fed up with interference from your family, consider how far you are willing to rein in your parents. Or if he is having an affair, see what changes you can make in the marriage to fulfill his needs so that he need not look elsewhere. Decide to talk about specific events and behaviors and not feelings and perceptions. If you are having doubts about your love for your husband, make a list of all the things you love about your partner now. When you are ready yourself, set an appropriate time and place for conversation with your husband. As far as possible ensure that you will not be distracted and have a reasonable level of privacy. Don’t choose a time when your husband is tired or has other things on his mind. Talk about what is bothering you but remain non-confrontational. Don’t let the conversation turn into a blame-game with each of you accusing the other of the wrongs that he/she did in the past. Keep the focus on the topic and clarify how the problem is impacting your marriage. Emphasize that you love your spouse and Talk about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don't want. Discuss what makes you both happy and fulfilled. Invite him to discuss solutions to the problem and as one of the solutions, bring up the possibility of marriage counselling. Try to close the conversation by agreeing to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going.

Explore other options

If your spouse is reluctant to attend marriage counselling sessions for fear of airing private grievances to “outsiders”, suggest that he/she join you in going through self-help books, tapes or recorded programs which may help you both to identify issues and work at resolving them instead of directly going for divorce. Who knows, working with the resources may eventually lead to a greater interest in counselling and he/she may be more open to seeking professional help to save your marriage.

Face the facts

If despite the conversation, your spouse still remains reluctant to see a marriage counsellor, perhaps it is time for you to face facts. The bitter truth is that you cannot force another person to remain in a relationship and if he/she has already decided that this marriage is not worth saving, he/she will find no need to go to a counselor. Under these circumstances there is little else that you but explore options that do not require direct participation from your husband.

Seek help for yourself

Even though you have no control over your spouse’s behaviour, you do have control over your own. Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, memories, behaviors, expectations, hopes, concerns and fears, not only in the marriage but also as an individual. Accept the fact that you can surely change yourself and your own reactions to your spouse’s intractable behavior. And for all you know, changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes.  At the same time ask yourself what would be the best or worst thing to happen in case you and your partner go through with the divorce. For all these reasons, consider going to a counselor on your own. This will not only prevent you feeling depressed or helpless but also go a long way in helping you to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage and to clarify your plans for your future.

At the same time it is your counselor’s responsibility to see that an individual counselor does not turn into a marriage counselor.  There could be a significant conflict of interest and if you have already established a good rapport with your individual counselor, your partner may be on the defensive from the very start in case he/she does agree to attend a session. Marriage counseling works best when attended as a couple and if at all your spouse shows interest in going for marriage counseling, request your individual counselor to recommend someone who can start afresh with you as a couple, without any inherent bias.

At the end of it all, if your spouse remains adamant about wanting a divorce, individual counseling can give you the space to discuss your hurt and frustrations and more importantly help you cope with the torturous path of divorce that lies ahead.