Inviting guests to a wedding - invitation etiquette and protocol

Your guests are one of most important considerations in a wedding –your guest list will determine the size of your wedding and your budget will be guided by it. Or rather your budget will dictate your guest list! Guest lists can be the source of much friction and animosity in the wedding planning if not handled with a certain amount of discretion and sensitivity.

A few points to ponder as a couple, before drawing up your guest list…

Size/scale of the wedding

Have you envisioned an intimate wedding or a grand function? You might have a larger budget, yet have always pictured treating a select group to a grand time. Or if it’s the first wedding in both your families, you’ve known all along that it’s going to be on a bigger scale. Set your budget and tailor your guest list according to that. If you go about it the other way round, you may realize you’ve overshot any kind of limits you’d set for yourself.

It’s your wedding!

So make the most of it. You will want to have the people who matter the most to you, attend. While your parents will want their close friends and relatives to attend, you have every right to express your reservations at having to invite a cousin three times removed or a casual acquaintance. There might be the inevitable tussle between parents' 'must-have guests’ and whom you consider important. Do remember however to handle the situation delicately and offer to consider it based on whether your budget will allow it.

Who is paying for the wedding

This will also determine, and have a considerable effect on, the guest list. If your parents are footing the entire bill, or a bulk of it, they may feel they are entitled to have a significant say in the guest list. On the other hand, if the couple is footing most of the expenses, the situation becomes a lot more manageable.

Creating the guest list

The budget as well as the venue you choose will ordinarily determine how many guests you can comfortably have at your wedding. You can allow for a few more, but ensure you don’t go overboard and let your guest list keep pace with the rate of inflation!

1. Generally the total number of guests you can have will be halved and the bride’s side accorded half the number and the groom’s the other half.
2. In case the couple has a large circle of common friends, they may decide to give a greater share or leeway to the parents, with one-third of the invitations comprising the bride’s parents’ guests, one-third the groom’s parents’ guests and the remaining one third the couples’ friends/guests.
3. There is nothing hard and fast about this and adjustments can be made, especially if the bride’s family is much larger than the groom’s, it makes no sense for the groom’s side to invite distant relatives and acquaintances just to make up their one-third. It makes more sense to let the bride’s side take a greater number of the invitations.
4. Often, separate lists are made and later compiled such as the bride’s list, her parents' list, the groom’s list and his parents' list.

You will probably have to draw up several preliminary lists and prune them before arriving at a final list. It helps to determine the approximate number of guests so that you have an idea what kind of a venue you’re looking at in terms of capacity that can accommodate them. Once you zero in on a venue that suits both your capacity requirement and your budget, you will also have a definite idea on the maximum number of guests that you can possibly invite.

Tips for drawing up a guest list

Make two columns, one for the name of the family, the other for the number expected. Thus you will have a row comprising entries such as -  Mr. & Mrs. Parker (and family) and the corresponding entry – 2 (or 4 as is the case). And so on. After due modifications and fine tuning, this list helps you arrive at two things simultaneously – the first column total will indicate the number of invitations you will require and the total of the second column will indicate your total number of guests.

1. Start with the people closest to you i.e. your immediate family – parents, the couple’s own children (if any), siblings, nieces and nephews, grandparents.
2. Next is the extended family i.e. aunts, uncles, cousins, their children (if necessary)
3. Then come the close family friends and the couple’s friends, both individual and common
4. Finally come the couple’s colleagues/ co-workers, employers and the parent’s colleagues

If your's is a very intimate wedding or you have a very large family (immediate and extended), you may want to stick exclusively to the first two categories. If you’re planning a larger wedding, feel ‘the more the merrier’ and you have the budget to accommodate it, then you will be able to go the whole hog.

It is also possible, especially if your wedding is on a weekday, that not all whom you invite will be able to attend, either due to work or other commitments. If they reply sufficiently in advance, letting you know, you could have a reserve invitation list handy. As long as you don’t leave it too late to mail, thereby drawing attention to the fact that they are a second choice, the recipients will be happy to oblige.

Invitation Etiquette

1. Although you think someone might not make it, either because they are in poor health or due to distance, they might appreciate an invitation and the fact that you cared enough to invite them. A word of caution. As invitations usually carry an obligation to send a gift, it might look like you’re inviting them, despite knowing they can’t travel, only to receive a gift. In such a case, it might be a good idea to restrict invitations to those who are very close friends/relatives and will be hurt if they were not invited. And to let the rest in this category not feel totally excluded through a wedding announcement that carries no obligation of a gift.
2. Anyone you invite to the bridal shower, should be invited to your wedding.
3. It is nice to send invitations to your wedding party and the celebrant performing your church/religious ceremony.
4. It is advisable to invite partners of guests in long standing relationships, especially if you are close to them. If a guest has just formed a new relationship though, you are not obliged to invite their partner, unless the guest is a very close friend and you would feel uncomfortable not to invite his/her newly acquired partner. The decision is yours.
5. Whether or not to invite children will be determined by your venue and your budget. Also, if you are close to many of your friend’s kids and have a large number of nieces and nephews or your cousins have kids who you are familiar with, you might like to include children.

If you are inviting children, a few tips…

1. At the ceremony, you could instruct ushers to seat guests with children towards the back, so that there is minimum disruption to the ceremony and so the guest can quickly exit along with the child if he/she gets too rowdy, without causing too much distraction or disturbance to the proceedings.
2. If you’re looking to save on the catering, you could request kiddie’s meals and negotiate a special rate for it.
3. You might like to hire a children’s entertainer to keep them occupied.
4. Alternatively you may hire a child minder to keep an eye on the children.
5. You could provide activity packs to keep the children creatively occupied.

Why you might choose not to invite children /how to go about conveying the same

1. Venues do not ordinarily differentiate between children and adults in terms of numbers and catering could prove a costly affair if your caterer refuses to compromise.
2. If you invite certain children but not others, it would cause hurt feelings. Applying a blanket rule and not inviting any kids at all might be the best approach. Once you decide this, it is best to make no exception to this rule.
3. Adults may have a better time on their own without the kids running riot.

How to specify that children aren’t included

Clearly mention, by way of your addressing, both the invitation as well as the envelopes, that kids are excluded, for instance, Mr. & Mrs. Steve Jones. In case you get the feeling guests may not get the message, or at least certain guests may not, you could convey your ‘adults only’ rule to close relatives and friends and have them spread the word around. Remember however, that it is inappropriate to write ‘No children’ on your invitations. If specifically asked, it is best to have a standard response ready, along the lines of number constraints or limited capacity of the venue, etc. 

Sending out the invitations
Traditionally, it is the bride’s parents who host the wedding and ordinarily they are responsible for sending out the invitations, receiving replies, etc. If the bride and groom are footing the bill for the entire wedding, they might take on the responsibility of sending out the invitations. Once everybody’s individual list is ready, it is time to compile all the lists and have a master list handy. An organized guest list can be extremely helpful for the following…

• To keep track of the head count
• To address invitations
• To keep track of details such as out of town guests, those needing directions etc.

You might like to divide your final guest list into several columns that include…

1. Contact Information - The guest's full name, address, telephone number and possibly e-mail address too, if available, to update them on any sudden or last minute plans.
2. RSVPs - Next to the guest’s name, for entries regarding replies received and the number of guests expected to attend from the family is invaluable for a definite idea of the head count.
3. Gift - To keep track of gifts received prior to, or during, the wedding.
4. Thank-you To record when and if a thank-you has been sent.
5. Out-of-town guests – To mark reminders regarding accommodation to be taken care of and whether or not the guest has been intimated about the same.

When to send invitations

It is a good idea to send invitations about two months prior to your wedding date in ordinary circumstances, but if your wedding falls during the holiday season, as early as possible, about 3-4 months in advance might be a good idea, as your guests might want to plan their holidays accordingly. If you delay, they might have already made alternate arrangements or bookings for a holiday and will have to decline your invitation, which would result in disappointment on both sides.

Along with your invitations, you might like to request/ give guests additional information along the following lines…

1. RSVPs regarding their attendance/availability.
2. Directions/ maps to the ceremony site/ venue of the reception.
3. Whether it is going to be an outdoor ceremony/reception, so they can plan their outfits accordingly.
4. Accommodation information or a list of hotels in different budgets, for out of town guests.

Accommodation for out of towners

While the couple is not obliged to make accommodation arrangements for out of town guests, it is considered courteous to do so, or at least to make some suggestions for the same, especially as they are unfamiliar with the place.

If you are expecting a large number of out of town guests, you may be able to negotiate a good rate at a certain hotel or reserve a block of rooms.

If many of your relatives are willing to put up guests at their homes, it might be a good idea to arrive at the best match possible. For instance, an elderly couple might prefer putting up a senior guest/guests, while younger couples or those with younger/teenage children might be a better option for hosting those in the younger age group or a couple who are bringing their kids along.

In the event an out of town guest is being hosted by a relative/friend, provide them with the name, address, phone number and directions of their host, as well as request your guest to convey complete information to the host, on probable arrival and departure dates and closely coordinate with the host once the same is confirmed.

It might be a good idea to convey your gratitude to the host/hostess for thoughtfully hosting your out of town guest, with a thank-you note and a small token of your appreciation.

Guest etiquette

Guests also have to display certain common courtesies towards the bridal couple…

1. Reply as soon as you know whether or not you will be able to attend the wedding, and more so if you are going to decline. This helps the bridal couple have a clearer picture of their numbers to plan the catering, etc. and also to invite another guest if they so choose.
2. Respect the ceremony and refrain from talking or distracting others during the service.
3. Whether or not you’re able to attend a wedding, being invited to one, means that you should send a gift. Wedding announcements, on the other hand, carry no gift obligation.
4. The gift registry is a good place to look when thinking of what is appropriate to gift, though most couples are happy to accept cash.
5. If it is possible, it may be a good idea to send the couple your gift directly, even if you are attending the wedding, especially if the gift is cumbersome. This has two advantages – it eliminates the possibility of theft/loss at the wedding and in the latter case, it minimizes the burden on the couple/family members when they have to transport the gift.
6. Do remember that the invitation is extended specifically to the one(s) whose name(s) are on it. Don’t invite your own guests or assume your children are invited, if their names are not specifically mentioned on the invitation. Do not resort to underhand tactics like including your children’s names on the RSVPs, thus creating an awkward situation for the couple, whereby they have to call you or clarify that your children aren’t included. It is embarrassing for all concerned.