Dating after a Divorce - Getting Back into the Dating Scene after a Divorce

Individual circumstances surrounding a divorce, will determine how you cope with the social and dating scene as a newly emerging single. You will probably be terrified to discover that the social world of dating has moved on without you and nobody has thought to explain the new rules.

1. Take your time after the divorce

Take your time to rediscover who you are and to adapt to your single status don’t be surprised if a wide spectrum of feelings suddenly overwhelm you, insecurities and imagined inadequacies can come rushing forward. Usually when you are least expecting them. Don’t suppress them, don’t be afraid to cry, men too, crying is not just a feminine thing; it is emotionally cleansing and healing. When you deal with these buried emotions you are in the process of getting over your divorce, and hopefully try to make sense of and accepting your marriage breakdown, whatever the reason, and also to realize when you have got to stop turning every girly night in or boys night at the pub into a requiem for your failed marriage.   

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2. Focus

Try to focus on general socializing, going out with friends both male and female or as a group, this will boost your confidence and social skills as you adapt to your single status.   Allow yourself to be happy, laugh and have fun, you don’t need   permission. This is your time, discovering aspects of a new phase in your life. If well meaning friends bring along a convenient, previously unheard of single colleague to make up numbers on a night out, try not to feel offended or threatened because your friends are trying to look after you. You may be sensible enough to realize that it could also be a tactical move on your friends part, something you may not have naturally thought of, but can happen quite frequently, that you can be viewed as a threat. You could also be guilty of subconsciously practicing harmless flirting, as your growing confidence makes you appear more attractive and interesting than before. This realization of friends changed perception of you may hurt, but, before you begin to feel unacceptably uncomfortable in their company for fear an innocent word or action will be misinterpreted, try to deal with this issue, giving reassurance that you are not a threat, or competition, before it ruins friendships and you feel betrayed.

3. First impressions

First impressions do matter, this is not an urban myth it is true. Critically appraise how you look, with a fresh insight into how people see you. You don’t have to implement radical changes, a little extra pampering or style and appearance changes to create not exactly a new you, but a slightly re-designed you will make you feel good about yourself when you go out and  more confident when meeting new people. 
 
4. Avoid comparisons with your ex

Try not to compare. It can be very difficult to stop making comparisons, good or bad similarity searching is destined to failure, it will ruin your chance to get to know someone new, destroying any possibility of getting to know someone as a different person just because their personality and attitude isn’t following the template checklist stuck in your conscious, it’s very difficult to stop brainwashing yourself into thinking that anything different isn’t right or acceptable. No one wants to feel like they are being vetted as a possible substitute, including you. It also isn’t good to use any meeting with someone new for emotional psychoanalysis, when the only topic of conversation keeps returning to the ex. It can be irritating, a turnoff and probably insulting.

5. Accessories

We carry around with us the accessories, or baggage, as it’s usually described, from previous relationships and our life history so far. Either emotional or physical these extra additions are a part of us that has to be viewed as the complete package, there is no disclaimer clause, and it’s all or nothing. This can be seen as a potential drawback to starting a new relationship. When you meet someone new, although it’s not a good idea to give the complete resume of your life to date within the first few minutes of conversation, lying or distorting the truth is also not a good idea. It is only fair to  be honest if asked about any responsibilities, offspring or anything left over from your divorce, including any contact with your ex. Amicable or otherwise. 

Cautionary tales

1. You may feel you are brave enough to try all the new different approaches to dating.  There can be so much success or failures tales flying around it can be confusing and daunting to think what is going to work for you, or what you will feel comfortable with.

2. If you are curious about internet dating just remember some basic self preservation rules, be wary, be aware and be safe. Not everyone is completely honest in real time living, online it’s even easier to be creative with the truth; some may even use it as the ultimate role play.

3. Speed dating is another modern approach, if you want to try it, view it as a social date on your calendar, go with a friend and if it hasn’t appealed to you, at least you have had an interesting and unusual night out.

4. Your hormones will be responsible for some of your varied experiences, not least experimenting with one night stands, it’s ok to lose your inhibitions and explore this area of brief uncommitted liaisons, and you don’t have to ask anyone’s permission to do so. Although please practice this experiment in passion safely.  A chance meeting between two consenting adults, when the chemistry feels right, can make you feel sexy, attractive and desirable. Only don’t get addicted to them as a substitute for love.  They are not.

Listen to friends advice and appreciate it, but, as it is an incurable human condition to make mistakes, you will have to collect your own bad or good experiences and try to learn from them.