Dating Someone with Avoidant Attachment Disorder

While no one promised you that dating would be easy, a partner with personality issues can make things so much harder. In particular it is distressing to have a date who avoids intimacy, invests little in the relationship or simply is never there for you emotionally. Psychologists and relationship experts now have a term for such traits which is known as an avoidant attachment disorder. If you believe this is true of the person you are dating as well, here are a few ways to cope.

The notion of avoidant attachment disorder actually takes from the concept of different attachment styles laid down by the 1970's, psychologist Mary Ainsworth Ainsworth. Based on her observations from the now-famous "Strange Situation" study, she concluded that there were three major styles of attachment: secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, and avoidant-insecure attachment. In case of the last, children tend to avoid parents or caregivers. When offered a choice, these children show no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. Research has suggested that this attachment style might be a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children who are punished for relying on a caregiver will learn to avoid seeking help in the future. When they grow up as adults, their lack of emotional attachment is exhibited in personal relationships too.

Little emotional investment

But how do you know if you the person you are dating has an avoidance attachment disorder? Since you are just dating and not yet in a committed relationship, it may be difficult to differentiate the disorder from a generally self-possessed personality but certain signs are sure to be there. Ask about his/her family, friends and other people in their life – those with avoidance attachment styles are unlikely to have any close relationships even with their parents or childhood friends. These individuals do not invest much emotion in relationships and find it easy to move away from family, close friends and partners. Also they experience little distress when a relationship ends so your date may be able to talk about an ex or a breakup with complete equanimity.

Lack of emotional support

One of the surest signs that you are dating a person with avoidant attachment disorder is when he/she remains emotionally aloof. You may have had an ugly fight with your Mom over the phone or your boss may have rejected your appeal for a raise, but your distress is unlikely to evoke any response from your partner. This failure to support partners during stressful times is typical of those with avoidant attachment styles.

Reluctance to share

The tendency to emotional aloofness among people with avoidant attachment disorder actually works on several levels. They are not only incapable of reaching out to partners but find it difficult to share their own feelings, thoughts and emotions with partners. Thus your date may not be forthcoming about personal information. He/she may be always vague when you ask them about their work and where they lives you might have a rough idea that he is into finance or that she commutes from the suburbs but any more than that, your date may be unwilling to share with you. Even more significantly, he/she will be wary of making any future plans with you and you may never find yourself figuring in his/her goals or dreams of the future.

Avoidance of physical intimacy

If you thought what your date could not express in words, he/she might be able to express with gestures of physical love and intimacy, you are in for a rude surprise. Apart from an inability to form emotional bonds, people with an avoidant attachment tend to have difficulty with physical intimacy too. They often avoid intimacy by using excuses such as long work hours, or may fantasize about other people during sex. Signs that the person you are dating falls in this category could be reluctance to kiss, hug, caress and hold hands. But while they may have problems with physical gestures symbolizing bonding and attachment, sexual intercourse is not off the menu. Indeed, research has also shown that adults with an avoidant attachment style are more accepting and likely to engage in casual sex¹ rather than making sex part of a committed relationship. Then again certain avoidant types tend to use physical intimacy at the start of a relationship as a way of masking emotional unavailability. Later, after the relationship has been established, they physical intimacy quickly becomes something to be avoided as well.

At the same time, keep in mind that there could be other reasons for a person avoiding physical intimacy – sexual abuse in childhood or prior history of sexual dysfunction could also be causes why a partner may be hesitant to get physically intimate with you. The best way to tell if a date has an avoidant attachment disorder is to see if he/she avoids intimacy on multiple levels – emotional, physical and sexual.

Take baby steps

By now it should be clear to you that your date has an avoidant attachment style but if you are willing to make things work with him/her, keep in mind that it could mean traversing a long and often lonely road. One of the simplest ways you can encourage him/her to open up is giving him/her small, frequent compliments. Intimacy issues often manifest themselves in a refusal to accept that happiness is deserved. So, if your date starts to feel extremely happy in the relationship, he may try to sabotage it. By giving him/her small and sincere compliments you will make your partner feel happy frequently, which should make him/her more used to the feeling of being loved and thus give love in return.

Communicate

If you wish to keep dating a person who has avoidant attachment disorder, it is necessary for you to find some way to communicate effectively. Encourage your partner to talk about his/her fears and concerns. Articulating problems can often make them easier to work on, and talking about them with you will also help build intimacy, even though he or she seems afraid of it. At the same time don’t hesitate to address your partner’s fear of intimacy when it manifests itself. People with intimacy issues often start fights for no reason other than to sabotage their relationships. When he/she does this, you need to confront it in order to force your date to think about their actions and consequences. If stress and fear are factors contributing to your partner’s avoidance issues, do what you can to support and encourage him/her so that he/she is less likely to lean on avoidance in dealing with, or neglecting, situations.

Seek professional help

In serious cases of avoidant attachment disorder or when this condition is the result of some traumatic relationship your partner has suffered in the past, the only way forward may be with the help of a counselor or a therapist. Intimacy issues and avoidance attachment are psychological conditions which often need the intervention of a trained professional if the individual is to have a healthy personal life and relationship. If need be meet with the professional on your own at first to help sort out your own feelings and get a clear understanding of how the avoidance is negatively affecting your relationship. Later encourage your partner to accompany you or if he/she refuses – as is likely for those with avoidant personalities – you can still use the sessions to find where you stand in the relationship and what you can do if you are willing to work on your man's issues with him. Above all take care of yourself, and do what you need to do to stay happy and healthy, even if that means reevaluating the relationship.

Reference:

1. Feeney, J. A.; Noller, P.; and Patty, J. (1993). "Adolescents' Interactions with the Opposite Sex: Influence of Attachment Style and Gender." Journal of Adolescence 16, 169–186.