Dating after the Death of a Partner - Tips and Advice

Re-entering the dating scene after the death of a partner can be intimidating for even the most social of persons. The sense of guilt and betrayal at dating again can compound the feelings of loss and anxiety already being experienced by the bereaved person. If you feel yourself overwhelmed by all these doubts, here are a few ways to heal and get on with your personal life again.

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Give yourself time

The death of a partner is bound to leave a void which no amount of socializing can fill immediately. In fact, at moments of an all-enveloping loneliness, you may be tempted to find comfort in the nearest pair of arms. But rushing headlong into a relationship before you have fully accepted and processed your grief may leave you an emotional tinderbox just waiting to explode. Rather allow yourself time to come to terms with your loss. Take time to grieve and understand what happened. Only when you have cleansed your heart of the sorrow will you be able to ready yourself to move on with your personal life.

Take small steps

If you had been in a long committed relationship before the bereavement, going through the routine of a movie and a dinner with someone new may leave you a nervous wreck. So instead of taking a full-fledged plunge into the dating pool, start out by testing the waters. If you happen to meet somebody interesting, suggest meeting him or her over a cup of coffee or an afternoon ramble in the city museum. This will allow you a comfortable peek into the other person’s life while leaving you with enough time to decide whether you want to take this any further.

Involve friends and family but judiciously

Let close friends and family members know that you are ready to date again and they may even pleasantly surprise you with a name or two. Moreover arranging a meeting at a common friend’s or cousin’s place will let you to meet somebody new even while remaining within your comfort zone. However don’t expect your late partner’s parents or siblings to welcome your decision to start dating with whoops of joy. Every individual needs to move at his or her own pace through the grieving process and it is no good expecting your former mother-in-law to understand your need to feel loved again.

Be choosy

As you start dating again, consider the kind of people you would like to meet, now that your emotional and perhaps family priorities are different from what they were when you were dating for the first time.  It makes little sense to do the bar-and-nightclub routine when you may be simply seeking a quiet companionship in your dating partner. If you are looking to share similar interests with someone, look in the right places like an amateur dramatics society or an adventure club instead of agreeing to meet every individual who responds to your online dating profile. Also be aware of security issues. Always arrange the first few meetings at a public place and use discretion in giving out financial or personal information as well as house or car keys. Being selective will not only spare you the agony of one fruitless date after another but will increase the chances of meeting someone you will really want to know better.

Let go of the past

If you happen to meet someone sensitive while dating, chances are that you feel the urge to unburden your emotions of grief and loss. While it may be natural for your date to ask about your bereavement or you to talk of it, don’t keep harping on the experience. You are on a date and you owe it to your partner as much as to yourself to see that you have a good time. Also be careful of subconsciously comparing your date to what your former partner did or looked like. Unlike in a divorce when partners may not wish to be reminded of the past, the loss of a partner when brought about by death, may leave a tendency to look at the past with rose-tinted glasses. Accept that while you may have shared a beautiful relationship with your late partner, now is the time to look ahead and explore other experiences. Remember the old adage about two being company but three being a crowd.

Accept your needs

It is human nature to seek companionship, whether it is only for a movie or a more committed relationship like marriage. So tell yourself that it is OK if you wish to go out for dinner with someone or enjoy a vacation. Don’t feel guilty of wanting to be loved and desired. Acknowledge your needs and be alright with it.

Prepare your family

If you have kids, it may make sense for them to know that their parent is ready to move on with his or her personal life. Children often take the loss of a parent very hard and if they see the surviving parent starting to date again, it may aggravate their fears of loss and abandonment. Depending on how young your kids are, explain to them your wish to start socializing again. And if you happen to meet someone special, let them know that while the new person can never replace the lost parent, he or she may make a special addition to the family. Above all, reassure your kids that no matter who you meet, you will always be there for them.

Enrich your life

One of the best ways to take charge of your personal life after bereavement is to find new and interesting things to do. Take up an unusual hobby or go for the refresher course that you have been planning to attend for a long while. Once you enrich your life with varied interests, you will find yourself more fulfilled and not in need of a relationship as a mere crutch to avoid loneliness. Best of all, it will make you a more confident and interesting person to know which is a sure shot way of revving up your personal life.

Getting back to dating after the death of a partner can be a daunting proposition. Past memories may seem to clash with future hopes. You can retain fond memories and yet start a new life. If you approach a new relationship with the right balance of discretion and positive feelings, it may start a new, fulfilling episode in your life.