Talking to Kids about Divorce

While divorce is formally defined as the legal dissolution of a marriage, kids from the estranged relationship often bear the biggest brunt of the experience. This is because a divorce not only entails the separation of spouses but the breakdown of the other relationships in the family as well. Children are compelled to live apart from one of the parents while siblings may have to live in different families. If a similar prospect is staring at you and your kids, here are a few tips on talking to them and making it easier for them to cope with the situation.

When to tell them?

Experts believe that it is best to tell kids about a divorce as soon as the parents realize it is imminent. Considering the natural sensitivity of kids to their parents’ emotions, it is likely that they also know something is afoot and thus you may not even catch them by surprise. But even if your kids are not expecting you both to breakup, it still is not a good idea to keep them in the dark where a  matter as significant as divorce is concerned.

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What to tell them

Explain to your children that Mom and Dad will be living separately because of certain issues which are too big to resolve. As far as possible, Keep the explanation simple and straightforward.  There is no need to give them the unhappy details of your divorce but at the same time be prepared to answer their questions, especially from older kids. A good thumbrule is to tailor your answers according to the age of your kids and how much reality they can cope with. If your divorce has been brought about by one of you engaging in an extra-marital affair or alternative sexuality, consider carefully what you say to your kids, especially if they are quite young. At the same time no matter what you decide to say, make sure that it is the truth - ignoring their queries or avoiding straight answers will not only not make the fact of divorce go away but only make them feel that their concerns are invalid or unwelcome. Finally, don't hold out false hopes that the marital relationship will continue if there is absolutely no possibility of a reconciliation.

How to do it?

Ideally both parents should sit with their children together and tell them about the divorce so as to avoid looking as if one parent is responsible. Keep a calm exterior and as far as possible remain in control of your emotions. This is because kids take their emotional bearings from their parents and if they see you both coming apart, they are equally likely to feel the ground slipping away from beneath their feet. Likewise, don't dramatize or become sentimental while talking to them and avoid an air of remorse or devastation.

Who will live with whom?

New living arrangements are among the most crucial changes brought on by a divorce. So one of the first things that kids are likely to ask is who will live with whom. Let them know where they will live if that's decided. But If it isn't, both you and your spouse should encourage your children to express what they want; at the same time though make it clear no matter what is decided in the end, they will not have to bear the burden of choosing or rejecting a parent. If there's likely to be a contest over child custody, assure your kids that you will do your best not to involve them in the court proceedings. Children tend to be apprehensive about appearing in court and having to choose between their parents  in public.

Was it because of me?

Almost inevitably children of separated and/or divorced parents feel that somehow the divorce is their fault. They think that the parent who left did so because of them or because he/she does not love them anymore. Girls in fact feel the loss of a father directly and emotionally and often believe that this rejection by their father is because they are not pretty enough or smart enough. So both you and your estranged spouse need to make it clear from the beginning that the separation is in no way their fault. It may be difficult for one of you to be saddled with the enormous responsibilities of a single parent – especially in case of the other parent abdicating his/her commitments - but no matter how angry you may feel at times, never ever blame your kids for the way things turned out. Keep in mind that your kids did not ask to be born to you and are in no way responsible for the inability of two people to honor their marriage vows.

Assure them of your love

If you get the primary custody of children in the event of a divorce, there will be more than one occasion when you may need to talk about what happened. Anything from a lost book or a bad day at school could unleash the torment of rage and sorrow in your kids and you may have to go over it all again. But the important thing is never ever to lose patience - reassure them of your love and support, no matter how many times it is necessary. The family is the first and most important emotional support structure for children. When this falls apart, children are bereft emotionally and the initial feelings are of extreme loneliness and abandonment. The loss of a parent makes them feel emotionally as well as physically insecure and afraid of being discarded just like the parent who has gone away. Thus you need to repeatedly assure your kids that no matter what happens, they will be always loved and taken care of. Even if your former spouse is to blame for the divorce, don’t express your rancor and rage against him/her in front of your kids. Children view themselves as half-Mom and half-Dad and thus when you vent your anger at the former spouse, they could feel themselves under attack.

Seek help

However sometimes, despite your best efforts, it may be difficult for you to talk to your kids about your divorce – perhaps you are finding it difficult to cope with the pain yourself or perhaps they are willingly and repeatedly shutting you out. At such times, it is best to take professional help – encourage your kids to accompany you to a counselor or if they refuse, see a therapist yourself so that the latter is able to guide you how to break the impasse.