Divorcing and Living Under the Same Roof

A divorce not only leads to immense upheaval in the emotional life of a marriage but brings far-reaching complications in material conditions too. And one of these usually has to do with living arrangements. Not every couple can afford separate establishments or deal with the hassles of maintaining separate households. Under such circumstances couples may choose to live under the same roof even when they are in the process of divorcing each other.

What could be the reasons?

In some legal systems the process of getting a divorce can be a long and complicated one, especially when it is riddled with disagreements between partners on issues like alimony and child custody or when it is being contested by one party. Sometimes the marital home itself may figure in the center of dispute. In such situations, couples do not find it practical to spend huge amounts of money buying or renting another accommodation when it is up to the divorce court anyway to decide who gets to keep the house. Then again straitened financial situation may make acquiring another house or maintaining another domestic establishment quite impossible for either partner which is why they could choose to remain under the same roof till something more concrete and long-term has been decided. Sometimes estranged partners with young kids may even decide to share the house so as to cause minimum disturbance to the family life until something more permanent is worked out. When couples move into separate homes, more resources are needed to provide housing, food and other basic necessities. By living together, divorced couples save money, and if children are involved they do not have to split their time between two households. Also couples from low-conflict divorces who can still live with each other are often willing to share living space if the house or the apartment is big enough, so that they can wait for a rising market and avoid selling the house at a loss.

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What are the modalities?

Such couples make arrangements to divide living space in the same house. The process usually include deciding who gets to keep which room as well as agreeing on time slots to use common areas like the kitchen or laundry room. New arrangements may also cover creating charts for time alone and time with children from the marriage.

In some states there may be special legal steps necessary if estranged spouses continue living in the same house during the process of a divorce. In such cases, they may have to file an affidavit separately or jointly explaining to the court the reasons why they are to be seen as a separated couple like change in sleeping arrangements, reduction in shared activities or family outings, division of finances and any other matters that show the marriage has broken down like if they have notified family and friends of your separation. At the same time though they may also need to explain to the court why they have decided to continue living in the same home following separation and what intention, if any, they have of changing the situation as well as what living arrangements they have made for any child of the marriage who is a minor.

What are the complications?

Sharing space with a former wife or husband for the sake of saving money or practical comforts is a growing phenomenon. However the arrangement brings certain complications in its wake and one of the most significant of these is lack of privacy, both for entertaining their own set of friends and family as well as having a personal life like inviting a date over to dinner. Even when practical arrangements can be worked out, the emotional consequences of being technically separated but living together can be painful. Thus estranged partners may have to keep quiet as they watch one another deck up and go out to meet a date or talk long hours on the phone to a lover. Such situations may lead to heartache and the endless round of accusations and recriminations. Above all there is familiar crib of who gets to use what in the house – who can stay on in the biggest room the master bedroom and who will have to make do with the smaller guest room or shack up in the attic. All these issues can be difficult to resolve in a context that is already strained by a broken marriage. Thus having to live with an ex under the same roof during the process of divorcing can be quite stressful experience.

Tips on how to do it

However the arrangement can have its own advantages, most important of which is that you save money and continue to partake of certain practical benefits of staying together. However for the arrangement to succeed, it is vital to follow certain guidelines. Firstly be specific about the reasons why you are living together so that there are no mistaken notions or false assumptions about getting back together again. Thrash out details like for how long this will go on and what will happen if one of you gets involved with another person or wants to end the living arrangement. How much notice will you give each other? Answering the difficult questions before you move forward will save you both a great deal of confusion down the line.

It is extremely important to be clear about boundaries. If children are involved, it will help to have a schedule so that you know when you need to be around and when you have time for yourself. These communications can be dealt with in person or via email if you don’t wish to engage verbally with your ex. Scheduling time and activities in an ongoing email works for many couples to make sure they can go back and verify details. Also work out any money issues, including who will pay for which bills and other expenses.

Finally as far as possible agree to keep new parties out of the situation. So if you start dating someone new, it will be a good idea not to bring him/her into your house where your ex and kids are still living. Instead wait till one of you moves out and you know the relationship is going to last for a while before taking a new relationship to the next level.