When you Miss your Ex and Kids After a Divorce

Despite its many fallacies, there is no denying that the institution of family fulfils certain basic human needs in us. Thus even after a marriage goes bad and is eventually dissolved, the former spouses can continue miss the emotional and physical sense of comfort and belonging experienced from living as a family. So if you have been divorced and are missing your kids and surprisingly your ex too, here are a few ways to cope.

Accept the emotions

Though the divorce may have been the right and indeed the one thing to do, there are times when each person feels vulnerable, lonely or scared of the changes taking place. At these times, you may think of the good times when you were together as a family and miss them all the more. Accept these trips down memory lane. There is no point in fighting back your emotions of sadness and longing. Rather allow yourself to feel all the emotional stages of divorce since they are necessary if you are to move on in your life. Expect that there will be some days when you are glad you broke away from an unhappy marriage while on others you will feel lonely and scared at being alone.

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Take care of yourself

Self-care during and after a divorce is extremely important if you wish to emerge saner and stronger from this experience. Eat a healthy diet and work out in any way you like, whether going for a morning run or attending aerobics classes. At the same time don’t be in the mistaken assumption that taking on too much work will drive all thoughts of your ex and kids away from your mind. So get plenty of rest, avoid stress as much as possible. Put non-essential things on the back burner for now. Under no circumstances fall into the temptation of substance abuse as a way of coping with regret and loneliness. Alcohol and drugs may only provide a temporary escape into oblivion but the costs can be too high for your physical and emotional well-being.

Get involved in co-parenting

You may think that the only way to cure yourself from missing your ex and family after a divorce is to stop seeing them. However if you have got children then you and your ex are always going to need to stay in contact. Among the most acute sufferers brought on by a divorce are the children from the marriage; so you and your ex, no matter what your mutual differences, will have to put them aside and help your children to cope with the immense changes. Co-parenting has been proved not only to help children pull through better through the immediate emotional turmoil of a divorce but even affect their future development in a positive manner. Thus work out a schedule with your partner regarding attending holidays, important school and family occasions to be with the kids. Visitations and handovers are especially heart-rending times so agree with your ex to behave in a way that these are as emotionally comfortable for the children as possible. Show interest in your kids’ school performance as well as hobbies and interests. Above all be ready to address our kids’ concerns and feelings whenever they wish to share them with you. Children need to know that the two of you will be continuing to work together for them, even though you will no longer be staying together. Co-parenting will not only benefit your kids in the divorce, but it will help you to feel connected to your kids and even to your ex in a healthy way. This will make you miss them lesser and at the same time help your kids to feel that loved and secure despite their parents being divorced.

Take up new interests

While it is important to remain involved in your kids’ lives, do not go overboard and make yourself a constant fixture in your ex’s life and the family. Apart from the fact that you will be pushing for an unhealthy emotional dependence, you may be breaking the law if you have been granted specific visitation times and schedules. Moreover being too much in touch with your ex may renew the friction of the times when you were married and the last thing you want to do now is put your children through more scenes of marital conflict. Thus make time for yourself and get explore new interests and people. Take up a new hobby like pottery-making or baking or go back to school for a course like history of Oriental art – something which had always interested you but you never got around to trying it out. A good way to recover from a broken heart is to do things you couldn’t or perhaps weren’t allowed to in your previous relationship. For instance plan a walking tour through the vineyards of France or the desert trails of Morocco if your ex disliked going abroad. Or get a pup if your former partner was against having pets in the house. One of the worst parts of a breakup is witnessing the plans you had made with your partner as part of a future together fall apart. So setting and achieving new goals will not only help you look ahead again but also feel that loss may have brought some dividends after all.

Take help from others

No matter how full your life is, sometimes you may need a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Don’t shy away from seeking support and validation from friends and relatives. Divorce is as it is a painful process and there is no need to make it harder on you by having to go through it alone. In fact, if you feel the need, get into therapy – this will not only help you sort through your shifting emotions and the resulting stress but in fact help you see how you can remain in touch with your ex and kids in a healthy and balanced way.