Dating a Woman who was Sexually Abused as a Child

Women, despite the tremendous advance they have made since throwing off the shackles of patriarchy, still remain one of the most vulnerable groups ever. Even in developed societies, women – especially when young – are prone to sexual abuse, whether at the hands of strangers, acquaintances or worst of all family members. Such traumatic experiences are bound to leave an impact on their emotional lives for all time to come. So if you have been dating a woman who has been sexually abused in the past, here is how you can help her as well as your relationship.

Be understanding and patient

The most significant indicator of a sexually abusive past is perhaps an aversion to sexual intimacy. So if you feel that despite having a warm, fulfilling relationship otherwise, your girlfriend - inexplicably - keeps avoiding intimacy with you, it could mean she has been hurt in the past. Sexual abuse in childhood especially has a strong chance of being manifest as unwillingness to come close to a loved one. The memory of the physical trauma that she went through as a child, a teen or a young woman is often enough to make any thoughts of intimacy abhorrent or scary to the abused person, even as an adult. Under such circumstances, you need to check your sexual advances and wait for your partner to heal herself before she can be comfortable with you in an intimate setting. Let the other person know that even though you find her attractive and are deeply in love, you are willing to wait till the time she feels she can open up to you. When your partner realizes there is no pressure on her to engage in intimacy, she will be able to better sort out her feelings with regard to her unhappy past and the present relationship.

Offer support

Yet another far-reaching consequence of sexual abuse is a lack of self-worth or even a latent sense of guilt in the victim. Thus your girlfriend may at times suffer from a lack of self-confidence or even a crippling form of self-doubt. This could be because subconsciously the person feels that she was in some way responsible for the abuse in the past, that she may have encouraged or invited, so to speak, the heinous act. What you can do to in such a situation is to regularly appreciate her achievements and attributes – no matter how small they seem. So you could compliment your girlfriend on the new hairdo that she has got or praise the new Italian recipe that she has tried out. However don’t give way to insincerity since dishonest flattery will either make her more suspicious than before or lead to a false sense of security. The essential thing is to keep reminding your partner that she is much more than a product of her painful past, that she has incredible potential and active possibilities to live a happy, meaningful life.

Help her to trust again

Women who have suffered sexual abuse as a child are particularly prone to having trust issues later in their adult relationships. Apart from the physical pain, what hurts most when abused as a child is the realization that no one, not even an adult from the circle of family or friends, is worthy of trust. The memory of this abuse of trust makes it difficult for the victim to have faith in others, ever again. So you may find your girlfriend at times suspicious, jealous and highly emotionally insecure. Taken to an extreme, the inability to trust a partner may also result in commitment issues where despite finding herself compatible with you, she is unable to commit to the relationship. The only way to get over this is to prove yourself worthy of your partner’s trust in a real practical sense. Give her enough time to find out that you are truly committed to the relationship. When you feel that your partner wants to talk about her painful past, be sure to listen actively and later offer unconditional support. At the same time however, don’t nag at her to share her past with you – the memories might still be painful and it may be some time before she is ready to discuss it.

Don’t enable self-destructive behavior

As a result of being sexually abused in past, your partner may sometimes display behavior that is difficult to support, despite your sincere love and best intentions. It is common for victims of abuse to give in to addictions related to drugs, alcohol, and sex or succumb to depression. If such self-destructive behavior is still in the initial stage, you could communicate your concerns to your partner. Offer her support to end this kind of behavior but don’t make excuses on their behalf or indirectly support her pathological behavior. Sooner or later, the person will have to take charge of her own life and put the demons of her past to rest.

Take professional help

If you truly want to be with this woman but find yourself unable to cope with her emotional ups-and-downs despite your sincerest efforts, the only way left is to seek professional past. A therapist or counselor will go a long way in helping your partner work her way through past suffering and encourage her to take responsibility for her present. Other than that, seeing a counselor is necessary for you too since being forced to be the ‘understanding’ or ‘supportive’ partner in the relationship for over a time can take its toll. You might begin to feel that you have always been giving to the relationship and have got little in return. Also the nagging suspicion that you always fall for the ‘wrong’ kind of girl can have disastrous consequences on the relationship. Thus rather than give in to such negative thoughts, it is far better that you and your partner seek out someone who will be able to help you through a complex situation and move ahead to a mutually fulfilling relationship.