How to Tell your Boyfriend you have Herpes - Talking about Sexually Transmitted Diseases to your Lover

There comes a time in every relationship when you have to have one of those serious talks.  These talks are never fun, never looked forward to and never easy.  Yet they are as essential to a relationship as trust and loyalty.  When the conversation turns to medical issues or your past they are particularly uncomfortable.  When you decide to tell him you have herpes, you get the opportunity to hit on both of these subjects at the same time.  So how exactly do you tell your boyfriend you have herpes?  There are a couple of things to consider as you prepare yourself for the inevitable.  

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Know your subject

Before you can tell your boyfriend that you have something, whether it is herpes or a new pet, you should know what there is to know about it.  Chances are he is going to have questions.  I suggest gathering as much information as you can about your condition before you sit down with him.  The Center for Disease Control or CDC has a lot of information about genital herpes on its web site.

Be ready to tell your boyfriend what the risks are to both him and you.  But also be ready to tell him how you can be intimate while significantly reducing the chances of sharing herpes with him.  Give him the facts.  You may even what to print off sections of web sites to share with him so he can see the facts for himself.

Be OK with yourself

Herpes is one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases out there.  Some experts believe it affects up to 80% of people over the age of 12.  Yet there is still a stigma associated with it.  Especially if you are a woman.  We all know this isn’t fair but we also know it’s true.  If you truly want your man to accept you after he finds out you have herpes, first you have to accept a few things yourself.   

First and foremost, having herpes does not mean you have been sleeping around, been with a ton of guys or with the wrong kind of guys.  Realistically it doesn’t even mean you have been with a guy.  Herpes can be contracted from kissing or touching.  You can even be born with it if your mother had it.  You have to believe that having herpes does not make you a bad or dirty person.  If you don’t believe it, chances are he won’t either.

Timing is everything

Choosing when to tell your boyfriend could be as important as choosing how to tell him.  Some women feel obligated to tell too soon.  Even on the first date.  While I applaud your straight forward honesty, this could do more harm than good.  For one, why share such a personal piece of information with a guy you may or may not decide to see again?  There is no reason to shout it from the rooftops.  If you have one of those first dates that starts with a casual dinner and never seems to end, that’s one thing.  If it is a blind date with your sister’s husband’s co-worker that is still in doubt by the main course, you may want to hold on to that bit of information.

Even worse would be waiting to tell him when it is too late.  Nothing kills a night of passionate petting like “oh by the way…”. I shouldn’t have to mention that cuddle time after sex is not the best time to bring it up either.  Waiting until it is too late could do some serious damage to what could have been a very good relationship.  How can he trust you to be honest with him if you could not be open enough with him to tell him about something that could very well effect him as well?

As with most things, the right answer is someplace in the middle.  When it is apparent that you may have a good thing going with this guy you need to come forward with the truth.  If you have decided to have sex, it is only fair to him that he have this bit of information.

How to get it over with

So now you have learned the facts, accepted yourself and decided this is the time to get it over with.  Now let’s look at some ways to get it done.  I have seen it advised to do it casually like sending it in an email so it appears that it is not a big deal.  I strongly recommend against this.  For one, it is a big deal.  It may not be serious but it is still important.  Trying to shrug it off could give him the impression that you do not take it serious and that will only look bad on you.  Secondly, if you send it in an email or a note there is no way you can answer his questions or share the information you have gathered on it.  Don’t trust him to go look it up on his own.  Make sure he knows all the facts.  Lastly, if he does decide to be a jerk about it to you really want him to have an email from you with that kind of information in it that he can forward to whoever he wants?  Didn’t think so.

There are two main options when it comes to telling your boyfriend that you have herpes.  The first is the direct approach.  Invite him over.  Maybe have a nice dinner at home.  Make sure it is relaxed.  Don’t invite him over to talk about something important.  Guys always get anxious when women want to talk about something important.  After your meal, sit him down and tell him you have some information to share with him.  Then just tell him.  Give him a minute to digest the information.  If he has questions, answer them.  If he doesn’t anything after a minute or so, offer him the info anyway.   

If you have thought over everything else and just can not seem to bring yourself to tell him, there is another way.  Set it up the same as above.  Dinner at home, sit him down to talk.  Tell him how much you have enjoyed your time with him.  Guys like that stuff.  Let him know you are thinking it is time to take the relationship to the next level.  Tell him you do not want to pry but you are concerned.  In this day and age, there is no telling what a person can have.  Tell him you want him to go have a test before things get intimate.  Offer to go with him and have the same test.  The test is cheap, fast and easy.  When the results come back one of three things will happen.  First you will come back positive and he will be negative.  At that point, you can discuss options with him.  Or you could both come back positive.  Statistically speaking, there is a good chance he too has some sexually transmitted diseas, especially herpes, and just doesn’t know.  If this happens neither of you have to worry.  Third option, you find out he has something else.  This could open up any number of possibilities depending on what the tests show.  Aren’t you glad you found out now rather than later?

Living with herpes can be a bothersome ordeal in itself.  Having to share that information with your boyfriend is just one more aggravation you have to deal with.  But deal with it you must.  By not sharing this information with him you are endangering not just him but your relationship as well.