How to Discuss your Sexual Likes and Dislikes with your Partner

Talking about sex with your partner is never easy. Whether it is a new relationship or a marriage of several years, a couple may find it hard to broach sexual issues with each other. Which is a pity really, since open communication in this area can not only better your sex life but enrich your relationship as well. So here are a few tips of how to discuss your sexual likes and dislikes with your partner.

Prepare yourself

Sex is a very complex subject and so are matters like sexual likes and dislikes. So before discussing them with your partner, sit down in a calm frame of mind and get the facts right yourself. If it is a dislike you want to discuss, think clearly whether you don’t like the very idea of doing it or whether you find the act physically uncomfortable. Similarly if you want to try something new, how can you encourage your partner without making him/her feel inadequate? Be as honest as possible with yourself and try not to see your partner as the source of all your frustration of dissatisfaction. Once you are able to clarify the issues in your own mind, you will find it easier to talk about them with your partner.

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Practise a couple of times

Once you have sorted out what you would like to tell your partner, it is time to practice saying it. Verbally expressing your sexual likes and dislikes will lessen the awkwardness of the matter and make you familiar with the terms which otherwise you may be stumbling over or avoiding altogether during the actual conversation with your partner. You can either practice the discussion alone in front of the mirror. However if you simply cannot bring to practice it verbally, consider writing it down in the form of a letter. This will not only minimize your discomfort with the terms but also allow you to express yourself with greater frankness.
 

Choose the right moment to talk

Knowing when to talk is as important as knowing what to talk about. Avoid bringing up these matters when your partner is busy with work commitments or stressed out about something else like finances or a sick parent. Choose a time when the two of you are least likely to be disturbed or distracted. Again, the appropriate moment to bring up a sexual like or dislike will depend on the nature of your request. For instance pointing out how you would like to try a new posture just when your partner is about to begin his/her favorite part may not be the right way to go about it. Rather bring up the matter before you start getting intimate with one another so that your partner is left some reaction time to consider your request.
 

Give your partner some time to process your request

If it is a major change that you would like to bring about like exploring the option of role playing during sex, allow your partner some time to think about what you have said. Sexual communication is an ongoing process and it does not help to rush about someone. Giving your partner adequate time to process your request will prevent him/her from feeling pressured and more likely to consider your point of view in a positive light. Also ask your partner when you can check with them about their response. Instead of nagging at him/her to come up with an answer, give your partner an option to bring up the topic at a later date.
 

Learn to listen.

An essential part of having a sexual discussion is knowing when to keep quiet. If you and your partner keep interrupting and talking over each other, neither of you will be able to make yourself heard. So make an effort to listen carefully to what your partner has to say and respond only when he/she has finished. Accept that despite your best intentions, you might slip up now and then. When you do, apologize for speaking out of turn and try to listen harder to your partner.
 

Respect differences in sexual interest

If the discussion you want to have with your partner is about exploring a sexual fantasy or something new that you want to do together, then you both need to agree not to judge, belittle or otherwise laugh at each other’s sexual wants. This need not mean that you have to accede to every request of your partner or act out whatever he/she may want you to do. However the very fact that your partner has made himself or herself vulnerable by revealing a sexual desire demands that you treat that kind of sharing as a compliment and respond to the request with courtesy and respect even if you may not be comfortable agreeing to the actual proposal.
 

Be specific

Yet another important ground rule for having a discussion on sexual likes and dislikes is to be as specific as possible. Avoid making generalized or absolute statements like “you always do this” or “I can never agree to this” which are neither accurate nor helpful. Rather point out a specific aspect of a sexual act which you find uncomfortable or focus on a particular area where you would like greater involvement from your partner. If you find him/her making vague or sweeping statements, ask specific questions to clarify the issue and find out the exact problem.
 

Play adult board games

Some adult board games that you can buy on the internet will, in the course of play, require you to indulge in various sexual acts. If you and your partner play one of these board games you have an opportunity to express your sexual likes and dislikes during the game.
 

Don’t use sex as a battleground

Avoid using discussions on sexual likes and dislikes as an excuse to thrash out other issues affecting your relationship. For instance if you wish your partner to try out something new in bed and he/she demurs, then you may be tempted to lash out by saying that this is just like him/her – being selfish in the relationship and never considering your feelings like the time when he/she went ahead and invited the Smiths over, knowing full well that you don’t get along with the lady. So, even though your sex life is inextricably linked to other aspects of your relationship, using it to fight over other relationship issues is unlikely to help either.
 

Finally...

Agree on confidentiality issues regarding your discussion on sexual likes and dislikes. So whether you decide to let the matter remain between you two or be allowed to confide in a close friend, make sure that you stick to what has been agreed upon. Everyone needs to know that what they have said in a private conversation will stay just that – private.