Steps to Reconciling after a Divorce

It has been obvious for quite a while now that marriages are not forever. But apparently, neither is divorce which is why reconciliation between former spouses is increasingly becoming common. However the process could be as time consuming as complicated. Thus in order to effectively reconcile, both husband and wife must be willing to take the necessary steps after a divorce.

Step 1. Accept what has happened

The first step to reconciling after a divorce is to get real about the facts. It is important for the former partners to acknowledge the fact that there has been a breach in their relationship and that they may first need to move away in order to come back to each other. If the breakup is quite recent, say a week, it would be wise to stay away from an ex as much as possible. Calling him/her repeatedly, crying or creating a scene or even wishing to meet up too soon will make one come across as needy and emotionally immature. also the couple should keep in mind that even if they can get back together, it will not be exactly the same as it was when they were newlyweds the first time around. a lot of water has passed under the bridge since and it is not only selfish but actually foolish to want things to go back to being how it was. If both former spouses are serious about serious about reconciling, it would have to be with renewed efforts and like starting all over once again.

Get back with your ex with this step-by-step guide.

step 2. Think about it

The cooling off period can be gainfully utilized by the estranged couple to go over the reasons of their breakup and also to reflect on the new desire to get back together. Did they get divorced because either one of them was cheating in the relationship or was it because differing priorities and personalities made it too difficult to pull along together? At the same time, it is necessary for both parties to consider why they want to get back together? Is it because they feel that they cannot possibly go through life on their own or because no matter who they are with, they always end up thinking about each other? Does the desire for reconciliation have to do with more practical considerations like avoiding the division of marital property or has the decision been motivated with the kids’ welfare in mind. And if the couple is thinking of getting back together now, both would need to consider what will have to change. For instance if a spouse felt neglected or unloved because of the other’s  frequent out-of-town business trips, will the former now be more willing to be on their own or is there any definite proof that the other partner will revise his/her professional priorities. Likewise, if an affair had led to the breakup, how cans the couple be sure that person at the receiving end is willing to forgive and forget? Clarifying all these issues in their own minds will help the divorced couple in deciding whether a reconciliation is warranted, practical and if so, how best to go about it.

Step 3. Spruce yourself up

Post divorce, each partner may have reveled in the fact that now there would be no one to nag them about clean underwear or that there would be no more reason to endure those monthly waxing sessions. However if they are considering getting back with each other, looking something like the cat dragged in is hardly the right way to go about it. Rather each of them needs to look the best they can so that the ex is impressed by the new, good-looking person they once took for granted. One can go for a makeover if they can afford it.  If not, even a new hairstyle or refurbished wardrobe can work wonders for their personal style. It is also necessary to lavish the same attention to one’s personality also – one can take up a new interest or sign up for a course. all these will go a long way in providing new dimensions to a person’s looks and personality and thus raise their attraction as well as worth in the eyes of an ex.

Step 4. Keep meetings non-committal

The first few meetings are extremely delicate ground for former spouses trying to get back together after a divorce. They could begin by casually asking an ex if they would like to meet up at the club for a game of tennis or if they would want to grab a pizza after attending a kid’s dance show. And in case an ex agrees to such a meeting it is also important to keep the conversation easy and stay close to topics of general interest. If one of them launch into serious talk about their past, the other person may get cold feet and want to back off. However if an ex seems eager for past reminiscences, the other person may take the cue and follow it up from there.

Step 5. Use your advantage

If divorced couples start out with the disadvantage of emotional baggage, they also have the advantage of knowing about each other’s likes and dislikes. so one can get back to being the person an ex fell for in the first place – if the partner had been attracted by his/her intelligent personality, the person can go back to pursuits which will enrich his/her mind and broaden mental horizons. Or if a person’s bright, outgoing nature had attracted a partner in the first place, the former can sure he/she is cheerful and fun to be with once again. it is important to correct any negative attitudes that may have crept within one as a result of the divorce. An ex too will pick up the positive energies emanating from a partner and want to stick around. likewise one can dig into other aspects of his/her shared past which will help you to renew your relationship. for instance he/she can bring up a happy memory or wear the dress/shirt that had been once complimented by your ex. One can also ask after an ex’s parents or co-workers and make a positive remark about them. However here it is important not to use the kids, if there are any, as bait for getting back with an ex. The individuals concerned should want a reconciliation on the strength of their partnership and not merely because the kids need their mom/dad to come back home.

Step 6. Discuss reconciliation

Once the estranged couple has attained a level of comfort with each other, it is time to see if an ex would like to talk about the past. However attacking an ex for the failure of the relationship or divorce or reciting a litany of his/her perceived faults will do nothing to bring about reconciliation. Rather one can begin by saying that you’re sorry things didn’t work out in the past and then go on to suggest if they both can do things differently this time. However one needs to be alert to the ex’s reactions and drop the matter if he/she still seems uncomfortable about talking of the past. But if he/she does follow the lead, both can discuss what went wrong and how things can be worked out this time.

Step 7. Seek help

Going about reconciliation is a long, complicated process. Even after the former spouses have decided to resolve issues, they may find there is still work to be done. In such a situation it is best to seek help from a professional marriage counselor who may not only be able to help them resolve past issues but guide them towards a new life together.