When you Regret your Divorce - How to Undo the Damage

Going ahead with a divorce is one of the hardest decisions a person needs to make in case of a tottering marriage. Spouses no matter how unhappy they are, keep asking themselves if calling it quits is the right thing to do. Unfortunately they are able to gain perspective only after the breakup and this often leads them to regret the hasty words and stormy actions that led to the divorce. If you have been experiencing the same and wish to make peace, there are still ways to undo the damage.

Understand some of it is natural

Whatever be the circumstances of a divorce, there will be times when you will regret having put yourself as well as others through the entire torturous experience. Even if you were not directly to blame for the breakup, you will still be racked with questions like “Could I have done more?” and this will only be followed with regret thinking “I wish I had done more”. Here it is important to recognize that some amount of regret is understandable; since divorce involves so much pain for so many people – you, your ex, your kids – and since divorce forces you to start from scratch to build a home, it is only natural to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of what has happened. Any life-changing decision – even a positive – one is going to result in an occasional backwards glance, especially on days when things are not going as planned. The best way to get over this gut-wrenching feeling is to give yourself time – this could be a few months or even a year, depending upon your material and psychological resources. Allowing yourself to grieve the failed marriage will cleanse the feelings of hurt and anger from your system and in the process, help you to move on.

Get back with your ex with this step-by-step guide.

Stop the cycle

In the aftermath of divorce, it is natural for a whole gamut of negative emotions like doubt, regret and guilt to be swirling in the mind of a person. So while you begin with doubts if you can have done more or done something different to save your marriage, very soon you will move on to regret, feeling that if only you could have done more and finally to guilt feeling that you have only yourself to blame for the trauma and that you should have done more to save the marriage. It is only a matter of time before a tiny doubt sets in motion the whole process of negative thinking and lands you in the depths of guilt and misery. The best way to stop feeling regret is to strike down the cycle and stop doubts in its tracks before it can escalate. Recognize doubts for what they really are – unfounded in reality, deriving from unrealistic expectations from yourself or planted by other people or because things have not worked out according to plans. Obsessing if your marriage could have been saved if only you were  less fat/less dumb/ less poor etc, is not only self-destructive but highly unlikely to be based on real facts. Striking at the root of doubts will help you to bypass the chain of negative thinking and make way for positive changes.

Forgive yourself

However if there are circumstances which were in your power to change or measures you could have taken to save your marriage, then the feelings of regret following a divorce would only be more intense. Here it is imperative that you find a way to forgive yourself. The mistakes – even by omission – that you made in going for a hasty or messy divorce may have been the result of a weakness or simply because you didn’t know any better at the time. Whatever the cause, it was a mistake and accept it as that. ‘To err is human, to forgive divine’, goes the saying. People make mistakes throughout their lives – some are major, some minor but all of them give you the opportunity to learn and become wiser and stronger as a result.

Establish cordial relations with your ex

One of the most important ways of undoing the damage caused by a divorce is to build up a cordial relationship with your ex. Divorces have a way of bringing out the worst in spouses and a messy divorce can especially have resulted in a lot of mud-slinging. Even if this is not so the case with you, establishing cordial relations with an estranged spouse can be a long and difficult process. The key to this is effective communication so that you both and share as well listen your individual feelings, priorities and opinions without accusing one another. This is even more important if you have kids since effective communication is the foundation of co-parenting which will ease some of the pain of going through parents’ divorce.

Attempt at reconciliation

For some, undoing the damage of a divorce takes the form of attempts at reconciliation with a former spouse. Even though this can be done and remarriage between partners who had earlier been married and then got divorced is not unusual, be prepared for a long and complex journey if you want to patch things up with your ex. You both have been reverted back to the status of singles after a divorce and hence you will have to start from scratch at building a relationship. However what complicates this process much more is the whole lot of emotional baggage from your previous marriage. Even then reconciliation can be worked at, but if only you both sincerely wish to be together again and are prepared to make changes to make that happen.

Finally the best way to undo the damage is to make peace with yourself and your circumstances. No matter how deeply you regret your divorce, accept that this is now the reality and you need to live with it. Once you do this, you will not only be able to move on with your own life but help your kids to cope better with the trauma of a broken home. And whether you choose to live life as a single, look for love elsewhere or attempt to reconcile with your ex, you need to start with getting rid of negative emotions like regret.