When your Ex-boyfriend Wants you Back

Relationships are unpredictable things – just when you may have thought that you have been able to put the breakup behind and move on, your ex may surprise with a call out of the blue and an offer to do lunch on Saturday. If you have been getting some pretty unmistakable signs from an ex-boyfriend about getting back together, here are a few things you can do.

Spot the signs

To begin with, ensure that you have read the signs correctly – you don’t want a situation where you may have misinterpreted a single call from your ex or an accidental meeting at the elevator as expressions of his renewed interest. However there are certain signs which should tell you that he is trying to get back in your good books. A higher visibility than before or an offer of spending more time with you is usually a sign that your ex is testing waters. An even surer sign is when he reaches out to your friends and family and tries to mend bridges but especially when he visits you at your home. True feelings for another person cannot be hidden; so whether he broke up with you, or you with him, a guy who is interested in repairing a broken relationship will go the extra mile and come to you. However don’t conclude anything until he has actually expressed his intentions to you. Only when he clearly says he misses you and wants to get back, should you consider what to do about it.

Get back with your ex with this step-by-step guide.

Who broke up with whom

To a great extent, your reaction to your ex’s offers of getting back would depend upon who broke up with whom. If he was the one to walk out, do not be so quick to run back to him, even if you have been secretly wanting reconciliation. Do not show any signs of desperation or he will start taking you for granted. If you are visibly needy or run into his arms at the first opportunity, he will mostly likely hurt you again.

Even if you were the one to call it quits, take your time in deciding what to do next. If your relationship broke up, there was probably a very good reason for it and it is highly unlikely that the reason has vanished by itself in the time you were apart. So whether or not you were hoping for a reconciliation, let your ex know that you would like some time to think things through – if he is sincere about getting back together, he is probably already prepared for this response. However be sure to fix a date and time when you will be getting back to him – it would not only be cruel keeping a person hanging on but would imply lack of common courtesy on your part too.

Give yourself a time-out

The breakdown of a relationship is in itself a traumatic experience so before you think of getting back with your ex, make sure that you have healed completely. Give yourself enough time to recuperate from the emotional consequences of the separation. Get your life reorganized in accordance with your own situation as a new single and not someone who is merely waiting to get back to a relationship. Strengthen yourself emotionally and financially and cultivate an active social network so that you don’t see the reconciliation as the only way to have a meaningful life. Only when you feel you are whole again, allow yourself to think of a possibility of getting back together with your former boyfriend.

Go over the reasons

Next, use the cooling-off period to go over the reasons which caused your breakup in the first place. If the differences had to do with your personalities, consider if both of you will be willing to change yourself. If you feel you did not give enough personal space to your partner, do you think the next time you will be more willing to allow him to do his own thing? Or if your ex boyfriend was careless about getting and holding a job, do you believe that he can change enough to be more financially responsible. While it is impossible to alter the basic makeup of a personality, being together demands that each partner make some adjustments for the relationship to succeed. More importantly, see if you are ready to trust again. If your relationship had broken up because of infidelity, consider if both of you are ready to put back the faith in your relationship. A relationship cannot survive if the partners do not have complete trust in each other. If you find yourself still checking on your ex’s whereabouts and obsessing over his acquaintances, maybe you should give yourself more time before rushing for a reconciliation.

What are the changes on the ground

While diagnosing the causes of your breakup may give you valuable insight, by themselves they are not enough to decide whether or not you should get back together. To do this you need to see what, if anything at all, has changed. If you were forced to leave your ex boyfriend because of his drinking problem, are you sure he has recovered completely? If you were fed up with interference from his family, is there any real evidence like a move to a different city which shows that he has put some distance between him and his family. Allow yourself to get back together with your ex-boyfriend only when you have certain proof that things have changed for the better. Most of all, be wary of mere talk - if your ex says he has now learned to be more responsible, but you still find loads of unpaid credit card bills lying on his table, be careful of committing yourself to the same person a second time around.

Beware of the push-pull scenario

While your ex boyfriend may have been sending out feelers, the moment you start putting some effort into reconnecting with him, you may find your ex actually pulling back. This is the push/pull scenario and is one of the most common problems plaguing 'getting back with the ex ' situations. The truth is that you may have reignited your ex’s interest only because of your unavailability – but now that you are willing to get back together, he doesn’t want you anymore. Stay away from such guys as they have personality issues which love the chase more than anything else.

Avoid selfish motives

Common reason that your ex may want you back is because he recognizes your lingering interest in him – this is especially true when you have been angling to get him back. It now becomes a game for him – he wants attention from you and sees it that you are willing to offer him that attention. Watch out for signs that he is just playing with you until a better card comes along like wanting to talk only about himself, not showing interest in you, not being nice to you and above all, not doing anything to resolve the issues which led to the breakup in the past.

Where are you now

Of course, all these concerns are relevant only if you are single yourself or just casually dating. On the other hand, if you have already found a new partner who is truly loving and supportive and you are happy with him, there is no need to entertain thoughts about getting back together with an ex. In this case, gently let your ex know that though you have found someone with whom you are in a committed relationship. Whether or not you wish to continue to be in touch would depend on your unique situation – how and why you broke up and what is your dynamic with your new partner. In the end, it is best to be honest to all parties concerned and if there is nothing positive your ex can bring in your life at this point, don’t hesitate to let him know that you have moved on.