Is it OK to Fantasize about Someone Else When you are Having Sex with your Partner?

How many times have you caught yourself fantasizing about someone else when in bed with your partner? It may be a celebrity, a hot friend of the opposite sex or perhaps even a lover from the past. While the sex may have been great, perhaps you felt a little guilty afterwards. Here are a few thoughts on whether it is alright to fantasize about someone else when you were actually making love to your partner.
 

A little bit of it does not matter.

A sexual fantasy is merely one of the ways men and women play out their sexual desires in their mind. So as long as you don’t feel the need to translate your fantasy into reality, don’t let it weight too much on your conscience. Some therapists in fact believe that having a fertile sexual imagination can actually make for a thriving sex life. Fantasies form a significant aspect of adult sexual behavior and an occasional indulgence can go a long way in spicing up your marriage or relationship. Even if you are fantasizing about another person, in reality you are still with your partner. And if the ultimate experience is something that you both enjoy, there is little harm done.

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Consider how often you are doing it.

Fantasies involving someone else do not matter much as long as it is an occasional indulgence. They can on the contrary jazz things up between you and your partner if your sex life has begun to get too predictable. However if you find yourself thinking about someone else every time your partner is making love to you, perhaps you need to consider why you find fiction much more appealing than fact.
 

Be considerate.

Fantasizing about someone else while having sex with your partner becomes problematic when the behavior starts hurting your partner. If you begin to explicitly compare your partner to the object of your sexual fantasies or degrade your partner in any way, your partner is bound to be distressed. For some partners the very fact that you have been thinking of somebody while actually making love to him or her may be enough to feel rejected. So consider your partner’s feelings and emotions before you let your fantasies turn into a habit.

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Make it a more visual experience.

When making love falls into a kind of routine, you take for granted what it is before you and what is going to happen. At such times, escape into a fantasy world which has someone other than your partner, offers the only source of novelty. If you want to avoid this, try making the sexual encounter with your partner a more visually exciting experience. Men are especially aroused more by visual or mental images of sex and sexually desirable people. Making love with the lights on or wearing eye-catching lingerie will enable you to focus on your partner. Imagine how important it is for a speaker to maintain eye-contact with the listener.  Similarly by having the lights on and keeping your eyes open in moments of intimacy, you will be visually as well as mentally able to focus on your partner and thus remain better connected to him or her. In fact the visual evidence of your partner’s desire for you can act as a powerful turn-on for you, more potent than any kind of sexual fantasy.
 

Share your fantasies.

If you are troubled by your sexual fantasies about someone else, explore the idea of sharing them, to a certain extent, with your partner. This does not mean that you need to reveal what you have been really thinking of when you were ostensibly making love to your partner. Rather you could request your partner to try out something new or dress in a particular way to liven things up a bit. However if you find it difficult to talk of sexual fantasies, then make a wish list and invite your partner to do the same. Include in the list all the things that you have never done but would like to try out some day. Then exchange the list and discuss where you would like to begin. Sharing fantasies can be an exciting way for a couple to connect. Most importantly it introduces an element of fun and novelty in what many partners begin to get bored with over time.
 

Consider underlying issues.

On the whole, an occasional fantasy about some other person even while making love to your partner does not mean much. However if you find the habit creating stress in your relationship or unable to go through sex with your partner without taking recourse to the fantasy, perhaps there are other things bothering you. Consider if you have been unhappy lately with your partner. Do you feel unfulfilled by any aspect of your relationship or feel that your emotions and needs are not being recognized by your loved one? If so, then perhaps your sexual fantasies involving others are a way of subconsciously disconnecting from your partner. At the same time, causes other than relationship issues may also be responsible for an unnatural surge in fantasies about others. Perhaps you are going through a mid-life crisis, post-partum blues or being threatened with a lay-off at work. You could seek the help of a physician or mental health professional to
rule out underlying medical or psychological conditions causing this kind of behavior in you.
 

Finally consider therapy

Consider therapy or counseling if you feel that your sexual fantasies about others have become so frequent or persistent that they are threatening your relationship. It is natural for your partner to feel rejected or even cheated once he/she finds out that you are unable to have sex unless you fantasize about someone else. In such a situation you are likely to need the help of a therapist to thrash out the problem and find ways to a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

It is not always possible to understand the psychological motivations of one’s sexual needs. Sexual fantasies can contribute to an enriched sex life but only if it satisfies mutual desires and provides pleasure to both partners.