What to do When One Partner Needs Sex More Often than the Other

Difference in sex drives is one of the most common problems affecting couples who have been in a relationship for some time. When one partner wants sex more often than the other, both end up feeling that their needs are not being taken into account. If such a situation continues for long, it might even lead to the breakdown of a relationship. However you can manage desire differences and here are a few ways you can go about it.

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Get rid of the pre-conceived notions

Sex has been made into the subject of so much analysis, theory and discussions that it is difficult to consider it objectively. There is too much being written and talked about how much, how often and how long couples should have sex. So at the very outset, accept that whatever works for you both is the right amount and there is no reason why you should be perturbed if your best friend gets it thrice a week whereas you can manage it only thrice a month. At the same time keep in mind that sometimes two separate individuals may naturally have different sex drives. Don’t assume that your partner is a freak for wanting it more often than you do or that he/she is cold and ungiving for wanting it less than you do. Once you begin to get rid of fixed notions, it will be much easier to look for and work out a solution.

Seek a middle ground

However things become problematic when couples experience actual desire differences as opposed to imagined ones. In such a situation, see if you both can meet somewhere in the middle. Suppose your partner is happy making love two or three times a month while you would like to get intimate around three times a week. An acceptable compromise would be to get together once a week or ten days. Even though compromise means that neither of you gets what you really want and for the same reason is considered a dirty word in contemporary relationships, it is at least a start to accommodating differing needs and shows a desire to work at a relationship. And finally it is certainly a better option as compared to sitting and brooding or worse, turning to affairs and divorces.

Show goodwill

Once you reach a compromise, avoid sniping or making hurtful comments at each other about how much you are sacrificing or how you have got a raw deal in the relationship. Very often these little but cruel remarks over time can do as much if not more damage to a relationship than a one-time full-blown fight. Obviously you haven’t got what you exactly wanted but remember neither has your partner. Rather try to work out issues with good will, a little bit of generosity and keep your sight trained on the ultimate end of saving your relationship from a breakup.

Reprioritize work and family commitments

Once of the most common causes of low libido is mental and physical exhaustion brought about by pressures at work or at home. Here the higher-desire partner can take on some of the parental responsibilities and domestic chores which probably leave the other partner too worn-out to look forward to sex. At the same time the lower-desire partner can hire help or delegate responsibilities to be able to enjoy some leisure and pamper oneself, all of which are great for putting one in the mood for sex. If stress or long hours at work are the usual causes of low libido, see if you can take on fewer commitments or keep weekends absolutely free for your partner.

Have sex dates

A good idea for busy couples to have regular sex is to schedule love-making sessions. It is a fallacy to think sex should be spontaneous – it is only when you are new into a relationship that you automatically fall into each other’s arms. In the beginning scheduling sex may seem forced and unnatural but couples who have to juggle work, family, friends and socializing are better off planning when they can get together for some intimacy rather than waiting forever for the right time and fuming silently when that refuses to happen. Scheduling sex in fact works equally well for both partners – the one who want more sex can look forward to a night of fireworks while the one who wants it less gets a break from fending off amorous advances and can even do what is necessary - like a warm relaxing bath or a visit to the spa – to get into the mood.

Engage in non-sexual affection

An unhappy fall-out of desire differences is that couples begin to display fewer evidence of non-sexual affection towards each other. The lower-desire partner fears that any instance of cuddling or hugging will be interpreted as a sexual invitation while the higher desire partner feels no need of showing affection since he/she knows sex will not follow. However the truth is that engaging in acts of non-sexual acts of affection like kissing, holding hands on a walk or cuddling in front of the TV works both ways to enrich a couple’s sex life – the partner with lower libido feels loved and cherished by acts of affection which in turn helps him/her to be emotionally connected and thus more amenable to future sexual encounters. The partner with the greater sex drive on the other hand knows that such acts of non-sexual affection are important investments needed for a fulfilling sex life.

Get help

Go to a doctor or a healthcare provider if you believe that your differing levels of libido have a physiological basis. Pregnancy, lactation, menopause have been known to plummet a woman’s sex drive while other health problems like arthritis, obesity or cardiac conditions can affect men as well. Sexual dysfunction like inability to attain an erection or a sexual orgasm can also putt a person off sex. All these conditions are difficult to treat on your own and you would get much better results by consulting a physician. The same applies to psychological conditions like depression or a mid-life crisis which can also cause absence of interest in sex causing the other partner to feel frustrated and neglected. Relationship issues like jealousy and infidelity are other causes of differing sex drives which again require the intervention of a counselor or therapist.