If Your Wife Won't Initiate Love-making

Men are often at a loss to understand why their wives won’t initiate sex even when the marriage is on the whole a happy one. If she can make the effort to organize a picnic for junior’s entire soccer group or to great lengths to buy Christmas gifts for the entire family, why not take the lead in having sex. No less important is the fact that it makes men feel highly desired and thus loved when a wife initiates intimacy. So if you have been having problems on this front, here are some reasons why your wife may not be taking the initiative and what to do about it.

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Cultural conditioning

A wife’s reluctance to initiate sex may be understood according on two different  levels. The first is when she merely doesn’t want to initiate sex but has no problems with sex per se and the second is when she does not want to initiate sex because she does not enjoy it. To take the first context, if you know for sure that your wife enjoys sex with you, try to think of  reasons why she may be hesitant to make the first move. In some cultures, making your sexual desire known is considered a sign of wantonness in women – in these societies women are brought up to conceal their sexual needs and even though now she may be married to you and living in an emancipated society, years of conditioning may be difficult to let go of at once. If this is the case with you, gentle words and patience is your best bet to reassure her that it is alright for a woman to express her desires –  tell her that if she does so you will not think of her as having loose morals and indeed you will love her all the more for it. Don’t call your wife a prude or force her to watch porn – these will only backfire and she may retreat further back into her shell.

Lack of emotional connection

However if cultural conditioning is not an issue, it is quite likely that your wife is not taking the lead in lovemaking because of a lack of emotional connection. As a general rule, sex is more of an emotional encounter with women while it's more of a physical incident with men. So while you're waiting for your wife to initiate sex – for you a physical encounter – she is on the other hand waiting for you to initiate a pleasant or exciting emotional encounter with her which she can then willingly reciprocate as an invitation for physical sex. Men often make the mistake of thinking that sex starts in the bedroom while in fact, women need to feel loved and wanted in a non-sexual manner first before their minds and bodies are ready for sex. It is because of this that a romantic good-morning kiss, a genuine compliment on her looks, holding hands while out walking or a gentle stroking of her hair may mean more to your wife than a one-off attempt at full-blown love-making. All these are small but important ways of establishing an emotional connection with your wife, without which she is likely to think of sex as yet another task – not unlike doing the dishes – necessary in a marriage but hardly something enjoyable. And what a woman does not enjoy, she will not ask for. So if you are perplexed at the fact that your wife, despite being a loving spouse, does not initiate sex, put some effort in establishing an emotional connection with her. Say something endearing, show affection in front of friends and family and be attentive in your daily life and you will soon find her reciprocating her love in the form of initiating intimacy.

Don’t use sex as a band-aid

Yet another reason why your wife could be reluctant to initiate intimacy is if you have been expecting sex to resolve problems in your marriage. If there are certain underlying issues in your relationship, you may be tempted to "fix things" by heading off to the bedroom but that is a man’s way of resolving conflicts, not a woman’s. To your wife who is perhaps upset, the thought of getting intimate with someone who has made her angry or hurt her feelings – and that’s you - only accentuates the negative emotions she is experiencing. Under such circumstances she is least likely to take the lead in love-making. What you can do however is to take the first step to resolve  conflicts and arguments that stand between you and her by apologizing for your hurtful actions or words and then making small changes in your behavior to show her that you mean what you say. You may be tempted to argue her that there are several matters for which your wife should equally apologize but this is not the time to keep scores and it is best that you take the lead in resolving issues so that she feels your love and reaches out sexually.

Reasons for avoiding sex

On a deeper level, your wife’s reluctance to initiate lovemaking could be a direct result of a low libido. Very often physiological changes in the body have a negative impact on a person’s libido so that couples may find their sex drives differing from one another. Pregnancy and lactation are known to release certain hormones which make women want lesser sex at these times. Similarly the birth of a child and the burden of infant care may put new mothers off sex till their bodies have healed and are stronger. Premenstrual syndrome and menopausal changes are other conditions which may lead to a loss of libido in women. Sometime weight issues and changes in body size can also be at the root of sexual disharmony. A person who has piled on weight may imagine him/herself to be unattractive or may actually turn off his/her partner. Every couple in a long relationship goes through ups and downs in their sex lives. And when sex becomes problematic for a wife, it is natural for her to want it lesser than the husband. In fact sexual monotony can also makes sex less enjoyable for a partner with the result that she wants it less often than the other.

Again there are various types of drugs whose after effects may cause a loss of libido. Thus the partner taking such medication may want lesser sex while the other person may not be able to understand this waning of desire. Ask you healthcare provider of the impact on your sex life if your wife is taking birth control pills, antidepressants, sedatives,
anti-seizure drugs or painkillers.

Major life changes like loss of a job or death of a parent, work pressures or the stress of juggling a job and kids are some other causes which may have put your wife off sex so that she is reluctant to initiate it.

Sometimes it may be simply a matter of differing sex drives. Some people just want it more than others just as perhaps some can do with less amount of sleep than others. It is as simple as that and has nothing to do with how one partner is merely carnal and the other is no longer interested in the relationship. The reason why this difference in sex drives appears later in a relationship is because in the beginning, both partners are keen to please the other and are willing to adjust their natural inclinations to that of their partner. Over time however, the tendency to generosity lessens and couples are less eager to fall in step with each others natural desire patterns. So if your wife is on the more sedate side, focus on other ways she expresses her love for you, like perhaps kissing and touching you regularly or often telling you how much she loves you. This will not only reduce the scope of misunderstanding but also ease the pressure on her so that every now and then, she may actually surprise you with taking the lead in lovemaking.