How to Get Back your Husband After a Messy Divorce

Few experiences in life are as traumatic as a divorce. No matter how short or long you have been married, the finality of this legal process hits you hard. However matters are made much worse when the breakup involves ugly fights over alimony, adultery, child support or child custody. And despite it all, you may find yourself wishing for a reconciliation with your ex husband; if so, all may not be lost yet and here is how you can get back your husband even after a messy divorce.

Get real

One of the first things you need to do is to understand that a breach has occurred. This implies that you perceive and accept the reality your marriage was in a bad enough predicament to be legally sundered. Thus if you react to the present with anger, denial, defensiveness and lengthy accusations about why how badly you have been treated and how your ex is to blame for everything, then you will be losing the endeavor even before it has begun. Realize that you both have been already divorced and if you wish to reconcile with your ex, you will have to start anew. Things cannot go back to exactly how it was because you both have traveled significant distance since then. And more so because your divorce has been a particularly messy one. In fact if your divorce has been ugly, chances are that your ex has even gone back to dating. Once you go about the situation with a calm head, it is more likely that your ex will probably be impressed by your maturity and willing to give the relationship another chance.  

Get back with your ex with this step-by-step guide.

Be true to yourself

A divorce, particularly a messy one, can create havoc with feelings and emotions; so unless you are thinking straight, it is difficult to find a way out of this mess and move towards reconciliation. Ask yourself why you want to get back together with your ex-husband especially since the process of sundering was so painful. While it is quite possible that you still love your husband and want another chance to make things work, it is also likely that you want him back just to prove a point or because you are scared of living alone or bringing up the kids by yourself. Whatever your reasons for wanting your husband back after a divorce, decide if they are strong enough to make you put in time and effort into a reconciliation. Justifications like “a divorce is bad for the kids” are unlikely to mean much if they continue to be exposed to daily fights between you and
your husband anyway.

Reach out

A divorce is, as it is, a very stressful experience - breaking up not only a marriage but even tearing apart a family and dividing resources. So if your divorce was an ugly one, it is likely that you and your ex are not even on speaking terms. Under such circumstances you will have to find ways to build fences and reach out to him. You can do this with the help of common friends and family or even your legal adviser. It is crucial that you have sorted out all prickly issues with your ex, whether to do with money or child custody which may have been responsible for the complexity of the divorce.

Shake off the negativity

Once you have got such issues out of the way, continue the good work by putting aside all negative feelings between you and your ex. Before beginning your relationship afresh, forgive and forget all the ill feelings and grudges you held against your ex. Do not hold on to past mistakes and pains. No doubt this is a tall order but you need to stop nagging and fighting first if you both are to get anywhere with your attempt at reconciliation.

Create a positive atmosphere

After months and perhaps years of marital conflict, you may have forgotten how to empathize with each other. Start out by going back to the time when you were dating and remember how you treated your partner with affection, care and consideration. Make a real attempt to feel those emotions for your husband now. Make him feel special and he will be more open to a reconciliation. Send him a hand-written card on his birthday or bake his favorite cake to celebrate his promotion at the workplace. At the same time awaken those qualities in you that your partner found irresistible in the beginning. If he flipped over your sense of humor, make him laugh again. If he loved watching you paint pictures or play the piano, take it up again. Do things which you used to enjoy when you were first dating. During this time, avoid talking of what went wrong with your marriage and laying the blame on your spouse. Also take things slowly and don’t demand reassurance or commitment from your spouse right now. This is especially important if he had gone back to the dating scene after your divorce. Keep things pleasurable and positive between you two so that it leads to greater interactions and you both
rediscover the highs of being with each other.

Take steps to resolve past issues

Even though neither of you can change the past, you need to resolve issues which had led to your divorce if your attempt at reconciliation is going to work. Here it will be crucial to maintain an objective point and not launch into a litany of your ex’s faults. Start by finding out when and what began causing the rift between you two and why things came to such a pass that divorce seemed the only alternative. And once you have diagnosed the problem, take steps to resolve it. This is the most important step if you want to win back your husband after the divorce. In order to resolve the underlying issues, remember that both of you will have to compromise on certain matters. Only when you and your ex are willing to change certain aspects of your personality, will you be giving your relationship a fighting chance. Begin by focusing on those aspects of your own mental and emotional makeup that may have contributed to the conflict and then go on to ask your ex on what he can do to make the reconciliation effective.

Involve kids but at the right time

Children are among the worst victims of a divorce, especially when it has been an ugly one involving their custody, visitation and child support issues. Much as they would like to see you and your ex-husband get back together, it is only natural for them to feel apprehensive about your reconciliation too. Thus only when you and your partner are fully confident and doubly sure about reconciliation, speak to your family. Do not inform the children before any concrete decisions are made. It may raise their hopes of seeing mom and dad together again. It will be very painful for them if you do not get back together. When you plan to re-unite, let the children know of your decision.

Seek help

Winning your spouse back after a divorce is a long process and is likely to be especially complicated if your breakup has been a difficult one. Even after you and your spouse have decided to resolve issues, you may find there is still work to be done. In such a situation it is best to seek help from a professional marriage counselor who may be able to guide you both towards a reconciliation that has greater chances of a lasting relationship.