When your Husband Fantasizes about other Women

Husband fantasizes about other women

It is not always possible to understand the psychological mechanism that drives other people’s sexual activities – especially when they are different from your own. Fantasizing forms a significant aspect of adult sexual behavior and if shared by both partners can go a long way in spicing up a marriage or relationship. However not all fantasies can be equally shared between spouses – especially if it involves other people. So if you find your husband fantasizing about other women when he is actually making love to you, here are a few ways to deal with the situation.

Some amount of fantasizing may not matter

Fantasies are one of the ways men and women play out their sexual desires in their minds and as long as your husband is not interested in translating them into reality, don’t let it weigh too much on your heart. In fact, some marriage counselors believe that a rich fantasy life, if taken with moderation, may even contribute to a thriving sex life. As long as your husband does not explicitly compare you to anyone or degrade you in any way and is equally concerned about your desires, let him imagine anything that gives him pleasure. The main point here is exploring fantasy in a way that involves you but does not trigger jealousy or possessiveness.

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Ask your husband to share his fantasies with you

If you feel offended by your husband fantasizing about others, why not ask him to share his fantasies with you? Sharing fantasies is an exciting way for a couple to connect. It introduces an element of fun in what too many couples take seriously. Moreover it may help to add zest to a routine which may be otherwise nice but predictable. Finally you both get to learn something new about each other and often the result can surprise you, but in a pleasant way. Do it once a while since it can take some time to get used to discussing your fantasies. Most important of all, participate in the exercise actively. While you listen to your husband’s fantasies make sure you give in your input which will help your husband to understand you better. A great idea is to make a wish list with both of you listing things that you have never done but you would love to do someday. Then, tick them off as you work your way through.

Make love with lights on

Men are more visual creatures when it comes to love. They are more easily turned on by actual or mental images of sex and sexually desirable partners. If you wish your husband to focus on you instead of fantasizing about others, proceed to make love with the lights on. If this seems unusual, consider how much store people set by maintaining visual contact when speaking to each other. Likewise by having the lights on and keeping your eyes open in moments of intimacy, you will be able to keep your husband mentally and visually more focused on you and thus connected to you. He will be able to see you and your desire for him, which can act as strong a turn-on as any fantasy.

Fantasies mean different things to men and women

Studies conducted on sexual fantasies on men and women have thrown up interesting differences. One such study conducted by American researcher Glenn Wilson and reported in his book, The Great Sex Divide (Peter Owen, London, 1989 & Scott-Townsend, Washington D.C, 1992), shows that while women’s fantasies tend to be more exploratory in their actions, men are more turned on by mental images of group sex or multiple sexual partners. This makes the correlation between fantasy and reality much more accessible for women than men in general. An important fall-out of this trend is that men who have a vivid fantasy life are much more dissatisfied with their sex life than women whose fantasies are liberated or awakened by their active sex life. The point of these comparisons is that if your husband is fantasizing about other women, try to find out if he is unhappy about any aspect of your marriage or feels unfulfilled somehow.

Speak to him

However, if your husband’s fantasies of other women get to the point where they hurt you, consider voicing your concern to your spouse. Let him know that you are disturbed by his fantasies of other women. Don’t yell at him for being a pervert or a sick guy, rather ask him kindly but unemotionally if you both could share fantasies which are mutually satisfying.

Consider other issues

Very often an unnatural surge in fantasies about other women may be symptoms of other issues troubling a man. If you suspect your husband is going through a midlife crisis or being threatened with a lay off at work, may be the fantasies are one way of coping with the worrisome situations in real life. The best way to go about such a situation would be to refer him to his general physician or a mental health professional.

Go for counseling

If you find that despite all your efforts to keep your husband focused on your relationship, if he continues to fantasize about other women, it may be time to look for professional counseling. A marital therapist or a counselor might be able to recognize the issues that are responsible for your husband’s behavior and better still, will suggest concrete steps that can be taken to experience a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

Finally, it is you who has to decide on where to draw the line on your husband’s sexual fantasies about other women. If you love him and find that he is willing to work on his fantasies to involve you in  non-threatening way, maybe you could help him to a more mutually fulfilling sex life. If on the other hand you continue to hurt from his behavior, may be you can go for a marital probation period of sorts, during which your husband will need to resolve issues of fantasy and reality. The key to dealing with the situation lies in your ability to communicate with each other on mutual desires and pleasures. This is because couples who communicate well have ultimately more and better sex - fantasies and all.