Spooning in Bed and Intimacy

Those of you with the vague notion that spooning involves some kinky activity with cutlery, it may come as a surprise to know that spooning primarily does not indicate a sex position at all. Instead this involves a position where the couple lies side by side but with the man facing his partner’s backso that both of them have their legs bent forward and the buttocks of the woman "sits" into the groin of her partner – just like the way spoons are stacked against one another.

Encourages intimacy

Spooning is a particular favorite with women since it brings about a great feeling of intimacy with a partner. The feeling that spooning can give a woman, of being tucked into her man's big warm body, his broad chest against her smaller back, his strong arms wrapped around her, is possibly one of her most enjoyable things in the world. Even though there is no visual contact, the position makes for a pleasurable kind of snuggling – she feels warm, safe and protected with her partner, in essence, all the main qualities that are important to feel in love. Indeed, so deep is the feeling of intimacy that comes from spooning that some women even believe that it beats sexual intercourse when it comes to enhancing the physical and emotional bond with a partner.

How does it happen?

The facilitation of physical intimacy by spooning also makes it a common post-coital position. In this aspect, the physical position may be getting some valuable help from hormones. Studies have shown that that sexual orgasm and increased levels of oxytocin in the body seem to go hand in hand. Known as the “cuddle hormone”, oxytocin is believed to improve bonding between adult pairs just like its peripheral action stimulates the let-down reflex in lactating mothers which again facilitates breastfeeding and maternal bonding. In fact a preliminary study carried out by researchers at the University of California, San Francisco and published in the July 1999 issue of Psychiatry suggests that oxytocin may be associated with the ability to maintain fulfilling interpersonal relationships and healthy psychological boundaries among humans. The release and action of oxytocin during sexual orgasm could be responsible for a greater urge to physical intimacy, of which spooning is a widely-followed example. A similar point is made by  Dr. Guy Grenier, a clinical psychologist and professor of human sexuality1,  “There are biological and psychological benefits to this kind of physical contact,” He goes on to add that there are certain chemicals released into the system when we have physical contact, and they are stimulated by spooning. Then again, according to Jonathan Robinson’s Communication Miracles for Couples, spooning is believed to create a harmonious energy flow in the Oriental system of medicine. When a couple feels stressed or argumentative, spooning helps decrease the agitated state.

Spooning as a sex position

While spooning is largely a position that enhances intimacy between partners, it can also be a great position for sexual intercourse. In fact this sex position creates intense emotional connectedness as the man protectively cradles the woman with his entire body. Also spooning lends itself wonderfully to touching, squeezing, rubbing—and even hand-holding, which can be incredibly intimate during the love act.

Indeed spooning as a sex position is particularly preferred during pregnancy. With the male partner coming in from behind the woman, there is no pressure on her abdomen and she is left with adequate room for movement. This coupled with the fact that the male partner can position himself from behind the woman at different angles for penetration makes the spooning position one of the most comfortable during pregnancy. However the woman should be careful not to lie on her right while having sex in this position.

Not for everyone

And yet not everybody is a spooner. For women who adore this form of post-coital cuddling, a partner rolling over the far edge of the bed and throwing off the sheets right after an orgasm can come as a rude surprise. Relationship experts explain this by pointing out that though everyone is motivated by the twin need of autonomy and bonding in personal life, the balance between the two is different for different individuals. People who have a really high need for emotional or physical reassurance might take their partner's avoidance of spooning personally and see it as a sign of avoiding intimacy. However spooners should keep in mind there are many reasons people don't like to cuddle after sex. For some, the sexual experience itself is so intense that creating space is just a way of regulating the emotional flooding they may be experiencing afterward. For others, it could be a simple case of their bodies still too sensitive or ‘raw’ to desire more physical contact.

Some useful alternatives

Those who love spooning as a form of post-coital intimacy but are distressed by their partners avoiding physical contact can look for other ways to feel sated. The feeling of being enveloped in a soft quilt or a warm, aromatic bath can work wonders with their sensual appeal. Once they are feeling more grounded physically, they can even broach the subject with their partners. If a request for intimacy is made in uncomplicated, loving terms, it is unlikely to be rejected outright by a partner – on the other hand if this leads to accusations of being needy, clingy and digging up of past instances, relationship problems may be to blame more than sexual likes and dislikes.

Relationship as a whole

However before couples break up over supposed intimacy issues, it may be worthwhile to sweep a look at other areas of the relationship – the non-spooner may not be enthusiastic about a post-coital cuddle with a partner but if he/she never forgets to do the dishes or is always ready to lend a shoulder to their partner, then the person is a keeper. So while spooning is a great way to nurture emotional and physical intimacy between partners,  if it is the one thing that is leading to divergent feelings, and rest of the relationship is just fine, then it is not a pattern and maybe it is best not to make too much of the issue.

Reference:

1. The Gazette - The art of spooning: what it means & why we do it