When your Husband Refuses to use Birth Control

One of the marked traits of modern relationships is that the purpose of sex has moved from procreation to recreation. The invention and evolution of birth control means that couples are not only free to have sex without worrying about pregnancy but can choose when to have kids, should they feel ready. However in case of some couples, one partner may refuse to use birth control while the other partner may be reluctant to give up the power of choice. If you find yourself in such a situation when your husband refuses to use birth control, here are a few things you can do.

Religious objections

There may be many reasons for a man’s refusal to use birth-control and how you tackle the situation will largely depend on which one applies to your husband. For one, he may be influenced by religious considerations since orthodox branches of the Catholic Church and Islam forbid believers to use artificial means to limit their families. While such a prohibition originated with a new religion’s necessity to increase the numbers of its followers, in today’s world of limited resources and personal choice, such rules make little sense. Even then you may have to proceed with caution when arguing your case as opposed to the religious convictions of your husband – for this you can take the help of a respected family or community elder, one who has limited his own family or perhaps use plain economics to point out how increasing the size of your family without equal increase in income would ultimately be unfair on the kids.

TIP: Download the guide to making a man sexually obsessed with you.

Physical objections

If religious convictions are not why your husband is refusing to use birth control then perhaps it is to do with the kind of contraception you have been using as a couple. Many men refuse to wear condoms and excuses can range from how a condom ruins the spontaneous mood for sex to how they can’t feel anything having put on a condom. Explain to your husband that you can't enjoy sex unless you know that there is no risk of an unwanted pregnancy. To the other charge of lack of sensation, point out that many condoms have extra features to actually make sex better, and that you will both be better able to relax knowing you are safeguarding yourselves against STD’s and unintended pregnancy. Plus, men can actually experience more pleasure with a ribbed condom than without one at all. Again vasectomy is a sensitive issue for many men – if this is so for your husband too, reassure him that a vasectomy will not make him less of a man or make his testicles look funny. A vasectomy is simply the snipping and cauterizing of the vas deferens. If necessary consult medical resources so that he is convinced that after undergoing vasectomy,  his sexual function will not be inhibited at all and his drive will still be high. However if are still unable to convince your husband to use a condom but he has no objection to contraception as such, explore options like the pill or barrier methods which will place your reproductive choices in your own hands.

Husband wants one or more kids

However if the reason your husband is averse to using birth control is because he wants kids while you don’t then this will require a different approach. There are all kinds of arguments about how large a large a family should ideally be. But the most important thing is not two families are alike – each has its own set of strengths, challenges and resources. If you feel that your partner wants kids simply because his parents had them, his siblings have them or they have been advised so by their neighbors, try and highlight the fact that comparisons shouldn’t come in the way of making decisions which are strictly about you and your family. Likewise, if you are reluctant to have any or more children, don’t let your decision be influenced because your parents/cousin/co-worker couldn’t handle more than one kid. Keep in mind the dynamics of your own family and then weigh the pros and cons of having a child or more children. In fact identifying the source of the mismatch between you and your husband’s desires in matter of kids will go a long way in looking for workable solutions. If your husband wants more kids while you feel your finances are already stretched, you could look for ways to cut down on unnecessary expenses like eating out, buying lifestyle products, taking luxury vacations or entertaining a lot. The money thus saved during the pregnancy may act like a nest egg till you can go back to work again. Alternatively if you are reluctant to have any more kids because your first pregnancy was complicated or because you felt left alone after the baby arrived, you could ask your husband to commit a great part of his time to the family, especially after the birth of the new baby. He could take full paternity leave or take on less work load and do away with out-of-town tours altogether so that he can look after you all better. The trick is finding a meeting point between your own needs and those of your husband – after all, every relationship is about seeking a balance between fulfillment and adjustments.

Stand your ground

However if you believe that your decision not to want any more kids is based on foolproof logic and plain reality, then you are perfectly within your rights to stick to your ground of using birth control. But while discussing these, ensure that you adopt a calm and rational approach instead of taking recourse to emotional outbursts or hysteric attacks. For instance if finances are a major issue and you simply cannot afford the expenses of another child, ask your husband how he intends to come up with the additional money required to bring up another child. Put down your present and future expenses along with all sources of income and present it to your partner for greater effect. On the other hand if you don’t want to be saddled with caring for a baby all over again, ask your husband how he intends to take out time for shared parenting and whether he is willing to spend all his leisure hours looking after the baby when it comes. Issues like a job promotion, higher studies, care of aged parents and the prospect of overseas travel are all pertinent when it comes to negotiating the difficulties of expanding a family.

Seek help

If you and your husband are entirely unable to reach a consensus over using birth control, the best option would be to seek professional help. If there are health issues, take your husband along the next time you are going to see your gynecologist and the latter will be able to explain why you should not endanger your health for the sake of another pregnancy. On the other hand if there are relationship issues like you being unhappy in the marriage or feeling neglected by your partner or even financial issues, then it would be a good idea to see a therapist. He/she would not only be able to identify the actual cause of differences between you and your partner but also suggest ways you can work out a mutually satisfying solution.