Getting back your beloved

So you've broken up but now you think maybe you belong together. Well who knows, maybe your ex thinks so too!

Breaking up is always difficult. If it was just a casual flirtation and both of you knew the score, it might not be so hard. But the real hurt and angst comes in when the relationship was deeper, lasted a long time; you may have lived together, or even worse, been married. Once you've broken up, it is natural to go over it again and again in your mind. Sometimes it may be accompanied by a sense of bitterness, especially if you've been the one dumped. And if it was a mutual decision or even an amicable parting, a sense of nostalgia of what might have been.

Get back with your ex with this step-by-step guide.

It may often be easier to get over the break up if you can convert your grief into anger at the one who dumped you. If she cheated on you, it's easier to let the sense of betrayal overtake your sadness and start you on your way to healing.

But sometimes there is unfinished business in a relationship. Or there are some relationships that are just meant to be. Sometimes the two people have grown so used to each other that it's difficult to fathom being with someone else. So should you get back together? And how do you take those first tentative steps to achieving that togetherness?

Most partners involved in a break up try and forget. And heal eventually. Why do some find it more difficult than others, to move on? What are some of the first signs, that you should watch out for, that indicate you haven't got over your old love and that maybe you should give it another try?

You miss him terribly and want him back at any cost

You can't get her out of your mind

You can't focus on anything else

You think there's a fairly good chance you can make it work a second time round.

Well, that's your side of it. You know how you feel. You'd give anything to get back together. Now you've got to analyze what went wrong, why it did, and fix it. Sounds simple? It is, but it's also delicate business.

What are some of the possible reasons relationships break up?

1. One of you dumped the other over something petty

Why did it happen? Is it because she was spending more time with her friends or he was too possessive? If it was you who did the dumping, you've got to sort out your feelings about the issue(s) and figure out if you can see the other side of it.

If it was you who got dumped, then was it because it was something you did or said? Or do you think your partner was unjustified in the way they felt? But now that you've gone over it in your mind, you think maybe your partner had a point and you'd like to sort things out.

2. Infidelity

This one's a toughie. You cheated on her and now you want another chance. You've realized the other woman was just a distraction and a temporary aberration on your part. And you can't stop thinking about your ex. You've reached the conclusion that you have to make amends and tell her you're truly sorry. But be warned, if she has found out from another source, she was probably devastated and you're going to have to do a darn good job of eating humble pie.

3. It just happened

Maybe you had an argument about something inane and it escalated. And in the heat of the moment, you just decided the relationship wouldn't work. She called you arrogant; you called her pig-headed and slammed the door on the relationship. But now that you've had time to think about it, you think it was really childish and are repenting at leisure.

So what now?

You're clear about your intentions and that you're willing to do whatever it takes. Now you have to find out how your partner feels about it. Does he/she regret the break up as much? Are they too, full of remorse and missing you as much? Or have they moved on?

4. How can you send out feelers to gauge your ex's feelings for you? Through family

If you know she's particularly close to her mom or sister and you got along well with them earlier, ask them for an inside track to your beloved's emotions. Before you do this though, be prepared for a few choice words, especially if the break up was your doing. Mothers and sisters tend to be fiercely protective of their own. Garner their sympathy and tell them you're prepared to do whatever it takes to make up. Sound pitiful enough that they will show you some mercy. And if you've done a really good job, they may even offer help. If not, don't hesitate to ask for it as part of your game plan to get your partner back.

5. Friends

If you and your ex had a common set of friends or you shared a good equation with his best friend, find out if he has confided in them. Ask them if they think he still feels charitable towards you and whether he would be open to you getting back together. They may even have some ideas for you regarding how you can make the transition easier.

6. Make contact

Once you have done one of the above, or if neither was possible, try and take it to the next level. Call your ex and see the reception you get. If the phone is slammed down on the other end, you can get a fair idea that she isn't still mooning over you. Don't be discouraged though. She might still be hurting or she might be playing hard-to-get. Persist and try a few times more, until you're able to get a few words in. However don't make a pest of yourself or start acting like a stalker.

If the phone doesn't do it for you, try the more direct approach. A face-to-face meeting might work better. If you're not afraid of rejection and have the courage of your convictions, this is the best approach. Try and be at a place where you know your ex is bound to be and make it seem accidental. In fact, once you get past the initial awkwardness, this is the best way to determine whether your ex still has feelings for you, by his/her expressions and behavior around you. Try and avoid a public place so that you don't have a lot of people privy to your meeting.

7. Write it down

If you're not one for vocalizing your emotions, send him a letter expressing your deepest thoughts and feelings on the break up. How you regret what happened and your part in it. And ask for a second chance.

If you've explored all avenues for reconciliation and haven't been successful, accept your fate. While we do make our own destiny, there are some things that are just not meant to be. Try and move on.

How do you make up?

Once you've got past the first step of approaching your ex and knowing you're not hitting your head against a brick wall, where do you go from there?

A. If you did the dumping/cheating/ it was your fault you broke up

1. Apologize

Go all out to convey how truly sorry you are. Say it with flowers, a card or even a stuffed toy. A cuddly teddy bear with 'I'm sorry' printed across it could be a good start.

Let them know how dreadful you feel about the whole issue.

2. Start the relationship with a clean slate

Begin again. Work on the positive aspects of your relationship.

3. Woo him/her again

Make the relationship come alive by rekindling the fires. Romance her; make him feel special.

4. Make him/her deliriously happy

Let him/her know in subtle ways that you will never repeat the mistake. Especially if infidelity was the reason for the breakup, go out of your way to make him realize your renewed commitment to the relationship. And give her many reasons to smile and bask in the unstinting love you should shower on her.

B. If it was mutual

1. Clear the air

Don't rant and rave but let each party have an equal say in what each felt. Talk about the hurt, the anger, and the emotional upheaval.

2. Discuss why things went wrong

Figure out together what tore the relationship apart and why it happened.

3. Talk about solutions

Try and set out constructive ideas how you will avoid, at all costs, things ever reaching that state again. Resolve that it will never happen again and work towards it.

C. If you got dumped

1. Analyze your feelings

Are you willing to forgive and forget? Are you up to letting go of all the anguish the break up caused you and start over?

2. Look ahead

Once you make the decision to try once again to make the relationship work, don't rehash the past. If you're not able to do that, it means you have not let go of all the bitterness. If you have to truly give the relationship a second chance, it means letting go and looking ahead to a brighter hope of happiness together.

3. Don't hold it against your partner

If you have decided to try again, don't always hold it over your partner's head. A relationship is between equals, it's difficult to make it work if one partner wants to have the upper hand.

4. Learn to trust again

To truly enjoy your newfound happiness, you must trust as if you have just met and fallen in love. It will be difficult, but it is not impossible.

If you have got back together after breaking up, it means you came back for something that you thought nobody else could offer you in a relationship. Now that you've overcome all odds and have a second chance, don't blow it. Not many people are that fortunate. Make it work!